Alone, Lost and Untyed

When I was a kid my mom used to leave easter eggs around the house, so well sometimes that we would find them years later. She would grate a carrot like the easter bunny had been eating the carrots we left out for him. I always found it funny that he ate so messily. When we got older she left us chocolate still but on the counter. She was always did a good job of Easter and Christmas. Continue reading “Alone, Lost and Untyed”

Lately

Lately its been hard to breathe. Its hard to explain when people ask how Ive been that it feels like there is a cement block pressing down on my chest holding me under water. Its hard to explain how my whole body seems to be overflowing with greif and pain, when a lot of people dont understand the severity of the loss. They act as if it was a choice. And out of good intentions they say things like ‘its not forever.’ Just for a second imagine losing your family. Not because of death (though I know from experience that thats awful too) but because they chose not to be open and to not apologize. Imagine theyd emotionally/verbally abused you for years and though its accidental, it was serious and did a lot of damage.

Lately its been so dark, life moves as if in slow motion and fast forward at the same time. I lay awake a lot stressing about this combination of little things, weird and hard things until the pile of shit is so high I cant see the top. Yes, Im trying to use the tools I have, be active, stay mindful but when its already hard to eat and sleep sometimes everything else feels like climbing mountians.

Lately its been hard to eat, food has no appeal a lot of the time. I’ve made a mental note to check in every two hours to see if I’ve eaten, but sometimes I forget.
I haven’t been going to the gym or yoga nearly as much as I should, because I work every day, and by the time I’m done I’m too tired or depressed to have the motivation to go.

So, here’s an honest answer to ‘how are you?’:
I am truckin’ away. I tend to be around the map with my mood, as you may know by now. But I am more often depressed lately, more often anxious, and the intensity of those have been amplified, of fucking course. So, there are some days where I dont want to exist. Not that I have a plan, but I think about it casually. If you’ve never felt it, it’s really hard to explain. Promise that I have no plan. But I do think about not existing. I have felt like a burden for being depressed and grieving. I have not been well. But I’ve been trucking away, feeling what I have to, not giving up, fighting one moment at a time.

With all this shit coming up, it has hard to feel great about my body. Feeling pretty awful about it. Someone reminded me the other day that our physical, emotional, and spiritual health are not separate. There are times we can put relatively equal amounts of energy into all of it, and there are times where we need to use a little extra in one area and the others diminish a bit. Feeling greif and being depressed won’t diminish if you put tons of pressure on yourself to be out and active, and happy, and busy all the time. In fact, you’re on your way to burn out (ahem, speaking of, sounds like me eh?). Its okay to be sad, its okay to not be okay. Its okay to give yourself the time to feel those emotions. Keep checking in and asking yourself ‘what would be for my highest good right now?’, and listen to the answer. If its gym, great. If its laying in bed and watching Netflix, great. But do so without guilt, let yourself enjoy what your body needs.

So what am I doing about the depression, and stress? I am taking a step back from working at the part time job starting soon. I postponed a commitment I had in the spring to August, I am being as kind to myself as I can. I am going to therapy, tryin to ask for help, and remembering (trying to) the tools I’ve spent so long learning. I’m expressing appreciation and gratitude for the things I am lucky enough to have and the people I’m lucky to have in my corner.

Thank YOU, yes you, for reading, and supporting. Thank you for being open about your own shit, and holding space for others emotions, mistakes and the parts that they’re renovating. There’s a ‘Buy me a Coffee’ button on the side or bottom of the screen, if you feel compelled to support in a more financial manner, its always greatly appreciated. Other forms of support: tell your friends about the blog, reach out and give me feedback, or just keep on being the amazing human you are!

Much love.

Bi-products of trauma.

Alright, these past few weeks have been kind of insane, but I don’t know that I’m ready to talk about it yet.  I am going to tell you that I’m going to be in a Fashion Show for the first time tomorrow, one that promotes body positivity, and is a ‘fuck you’ to diet culture, anxiety, depression and I’m so excited to be a part of it.  If you’re in Kingston message me for details.    So what I’m going to talk about (rant on about) today is the residual effects of trauma and emotional abuse.  Sometimes we don’t think much about the littler things that might come up as a result, and they can feel pretty…scary, and confusing.  I often felt like there was something really wrong with me because of them, as if they are flaws.  These are by no means all of them, just a few that have reeked havoc in my life. Continue reading “Bi-products of trauma.”

Fucking vulnerability

Vulnerability is my theme of the week. Doing things that are scary, showing myself, being honest, letting myself connect wit people. I’ve been avoiding this post for a long time. I’ve been avoiding thinking about it, and feeling it, its a lot. Its complicated, its hard, and fucking terrifying. I have wrote and rewrote this many times, and am choosing the kindest angle possible, as my intentions are not to speak ill of anyone, or to hurt anyone. I want to be vulnerable and speak of something that’s been on my mind, to get it out in the open, and help those who have been through similar things. Before I start, I’ve been listening to a lot of Brene Brown talking about vulnerability. If you haven’t heard her ted talk or her podcast with opera look it up, damn it is full of amazing insights. She talks about being vulnerable and it being the killer of shame. That our culter holds so much shame that we won’t even talk about it, we avoid vulnerability, that we are all wounded and pretending to be fine. Connection starts with vulnerability. I try and live in this vulnerability zone, being brutally honest, pushing myself out of my comfort zone, and honestly it’s what has sparked most of my growth. All that aside, I’m going to talk a bit more about my family, my sister specifically. If you know her, imagine it’s someone entirely different. Don’t take this as anything negative against her, as always, I mean everything with love. I am so terrified to write this, I feel like it makes me an awful person, that I have no right to share it, that I have no right to feel it. Fuck it. Close this if you are in the business of taking it personally.
Continue reading “Fucking vulnerability”

Christmas Update

Well kids, these past few weeks have been big ones, I apologize for the radio silence, I had so much going on I was just treading through it. I put far too much on my plate and no suprise got sick. I did put on a great show, have a wonderful dinner, and spent lots of time with some amazing friends.
So to summarize: it was my first Christmas after no contact with fam, last week at the cafe job, played a show, hosted my first Christmas dinner, and saw a bunch of friends that I love. Oh, and today’s (Dec 29- when I wrote most of this post) and that my abusive grandmother died.
First of all, I was blown away by the love and support you all poured out, thank you so much. Thanks for your continued reading and everlasting support. I hope you all are having a really nice holiday, surrounded by love. Continue reading “Christmas Update”

Poetry (from a 13 year old)

This fucking week. My god. It was one of those weeks where one thing happened after another after another and by the end I’m here like “Is this some kind of joke? How did this all happen in one week? Like what the actual fuck. Anyway, I dug up one of my old poetry journals from when I was a kid, and I thought I’d share some today. Give a bit of insight into my early mind, trauma, emotional abuse and pain. A lot of it is depressing, you can see how much pain I was in, even as a kid, so brace your beautiful selves.

This first one is called ‘Lost in the Roses’, it was actually part of my very first song I ever wrote, but the song grew and the words were edited out.
Continue reading “Poetry (from a 13 year old)”

Aftershock

There seems to be this misconception that you stand up to abuse, and everything’s fine after that.  You know, you have this big break through, you stand up to your abusers, tell them you deserve better, and thats that. No one talks about the aftershock, honestly no one really talks about it at all.  Its not something that is easily understood at all, and there are a lot of strong beliefs on the subject.  You grow up being told that your family always have your back, you trust them implicitly, they’re our first heros.  We are told that family is the most important thing, but what kinds of lines do we draw if they emotionally abuse us?  Its hard to talk about, partially because I feel so vulnerable, scared, alone, but also because I at times feel like I can’t trust my own reality or memory.  I worry that people will see me as a monster, when in reality, I just decided to stop letting myself be abused, and set new healthier boundaries for myself.

Continue reading “Aftershock”