Alone, Lost and Untyed

When I was a kid my mom used to leave easter eggs around the house, so well sometimes that we would find them years later. She would grate a carrot like the easter bunny had been eating the carrots we left out for him. I always found it funny that he ate so messily. When we got older she left us chocolate still but on the counter. She was always did a good job of Easter and Christmas.

Here I am, I bought myself a broken chocolate bunny, and even a fluffy stuffed one, my first Easter alone. Its my first weekend off in months, and my fucking cat is sick. I feel tapped out, like if I just hit the floor 3 times like a wrestler, will shit stop going wrong? Should I try? I’ll let you know the results 😉
Let me fill you in on my last few weeks. The day after I decided to postpone training because I’m having money issues (and bought a flight ticket to the east coast, cuz this girl needs a vacation). I did my taxes and I owe a lot of money. Then I had to take a step down at work (the part time gig) because I’m slowly losing my mind working every day while I’ve been very depressed and anxious and am generally not doing well. I’m doing my best to not lose my mind. My cat is sick now, I had to take her to an expensive vet appointment, and get a couple different medications. Now I’m waiting to see if this new one helps her want to eat instead of me feeding her with a god damn syringe. If not I’ll have to take her back again on Monday, and she will have to get an X-ray, and probably a lot of procedures done, and I barely have enough money for rent, oh and my credit card was denied for the internet payment. So I’m having this kind of crisis on this really hard weekend, and other than the obvious shitty parts of it, this is the kind of help my mom would have given me. She would have helped me take care of Ana(cat), she would have loaned me money if I needed it. I would have called her and asked her what to do. And I am just feeling so alone, so lost, and untyed. I feel like one of those sad balloons you see floating in the sky and you wonder about where it came from. I’m just floating along trying to find out where I fit in, what my significance is.

I haven’t been eating much, I spend all my time worrying about my cat, about money, wondering what I can sell to be able to lift my head above water, if I’ll ever get to a place where I’m not having a rough time…I feel like I’m drowning. I have been fighting so damn hard. I’m losing my god damn mind.

I am very thankful for the people around me. I have been shown so much love by those around me, people drove me to the vet, helped encourage me, invited me to their family events, brought me wine, insisted I come to them for company. I am grateful for that. So much. I am also grateful for teaching, and it allowing me to be real and genuine and connect with others even when I don’t feel great.

I know that this will pass, but holy shit, I dont know if I could handle anything else going wrong. *knocks on wood*. I keep trying to shift to positive thinking but I am at my wits end, I am tuckered the fuck out.
I’ve been feeling really self-conscious about my body the last few days. I keep picking at my clothes, finding more flaws in my skin. I think its because it is an easier solution? I’m not sure. Yoga has helped me ground for a bit, and reminding myself that it should not matter, there’s much more important things to worry about right now haha. (Ugh)

Please send loving thoughts to me and my cat. I am such a wreck and stressed trying to get her to feel better. Nothing I do seems to make a big difference, and I have no money to do more. Its that or rent.

Alright, so this one had no theme or anything I more so just emotionally word vomited, but thanks for listening.

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