Its been a bit. I’m sorry. I promise you I will come back. I just want to make sure when I post its coming from an authentic place, so I try not to push it if I feel like what I write doesn’t fit that. I’ve been processing shit, and avoiding shit. You know the deal. Grab yourself some tea, or a drink, and get ready, cuz I’m getting a wee bit salty here.
I have been sad for 8 months. Very sad, (I mean lets be honest, I’ve been sad most of my life) but this sad was different, it is deeper and more intense than I’d felt in a long time. It was a grief that sprouted not from death, but the ending of a relationship that, by all accounts, was meant to last your whole life. They’re meant to be some of the more unconditional, supportive, loving relationships, and realizing that that wasn’t true for me has been really hard. Losing part of my family not out of death, but out of choice was hard, but there was no other choice to make. Id reached a point where I had to two choices: staying in an emotionally abusive situation that was holding me back, breaking me down and destroying any sense of safety and comfort I ever found; or stand up and say that I’ve had enough, I’m worth more than this, I am enough already, I shouldn’t be made to feel so awful by those I hold close to me.
Needless to say, I felt awful. I felt empty, sad, betrayed. I did first talk about it on here, and yeah that was probably a shady move, but honestly I had no other choice. If I had talked to them in person I’d have had no support, and they would have gaslighted me, being rude, not listened, told me I was being dramatic. They would have been pissed off regardless of how I did it. I don’t feel guilty, I feel grateful that all you lovely folks were here for me, listened and reassured me that I have a right to use my voice and stand up for myself. I asked for space for a while, thinking that maybe it would last 3 months. You know, give me time to heal a bit, feel more solid in myself, my ability to be assertive and stand up for myself. The only way I felt safe to take the next step was a therapy setting, with a third party, that was neutral so that all parties could feel heard. It wasn’t safe, emotionally speaking, for me to be one on one with them. Especially since they’d made it clear they’d all discussed it, deleted me off social media at the same time. My space wasn’t respected, or taken seriously, and I was talked to like I was throwing a hissy fit, and that I’d made the whole thing up. (Spoilers, I didn’t) Going to therapy wasn’t something they were okay with, and every attempt at speaking I was met with clear signs that an open conversation wasn’t going to happen, an apology wasn’t going to be heard from them. I got the idea that they’d take me back, essentially if I crawled back with an apology or was willing to pretend none of it other happened, and not be heard. It destroyed me that they didn’t seem to care about my wellbeing, that none of them had my back, apologized for how I felt, or showed any signs of concern. I spent a lot of time feeling really fucking sad. I still am. But you know what else I feel? Fucking angry.
I’m angry that I was never a priority, I am angry because they emotionally abused me, changed the way I thought about myself, made me feel small, made me feel like I had to apologize for existing, made me feel crazy, fat, ugly, selfish. I am mad because they didn’t fight for me. That they chose sticking to their own ego over having a relationship with me. That rather than for one second think about me, or be concerned, make up, apologize, they chose to see me as a crazy, manipulative and selfish who would make up this kind of horrible story. The fact that they think I’m that kind of person is insulting. But I’m most mad that it happened in the first place. I’m mad that I let myself feel small, held myself back, that I let myself get talked to and treated like that for so long. I am so fucking angry that they could make a child feel like they were the cause of the adults around them feeling sad. That if only I’d been a better daughter life would be better. I’m angry that I went through hell as a kid, and was alone to deal with it, and as a biproduct of that have BPD, depression and mental health issues. I am fucking angry that after everyone I’ve lost, all the death, the funerals, the shit I’ve come through, I lost them too.
I am angry, which for a long time I didn’t really ever let myself be. I always was scared of anger because of how I’d seen it used as a weapon by so many around me. But do you know what I’m learning? That anger is a tool, its powerful enough to motivate change, to stand up for what you believe in, or for those who can’t stand up for themselves. Anger can be used constructively, creatively, compassionately rather than destructively. There is nothing wrong with feeling anger. In fact, its one of the stages of greif, which I’ve done all in the wrong order. Something has been holding me back from continueing to grow and letting myself feel angry has helped. I have been more creative lately with other things. I’ve written about three songs about this, I’ve started drawing again, and go through phases of lots of exersize, and barely any, but I am learning to listen to my body. I get up every day and face truths and realities that I for so long avoided, but I am letting that help me grow, do the scary painful thing so that I can learn from it.
There’s much more to say, but I’ll save some for next time 😉
Thanks for listening. You’re all awesome.
Lots of love, over and out.