I’m sorry

Good afternoon babe(s)
I hope you all had a really great halloween. I’m not really choosing a theme or topic today, I just wrote whatever came up. Kind of stream of consciousness, which often is what I do. Hopefully its easy-ish to follow.

I’m sorry that I don’t work the way you find easiest to understand. I’m sorry about all of my mistakes, and every time I wasn’t willing to own up to my shit. I’m sorry that I too often didn’t ask or listen when you needed me to, and that I asked too much of you too often. The weight of my world often felt to much to carry, but I should never have expected you to help me do the lifting. I’m sorry if I can be selfish, and I’m sorry I have no fucking clue what I’m doing.
Continue reading “I’m sorry”

Nearly a year

Well, thank you again for your patience, I just got back from training and am settling into real life again. I am so dedicated to you guys that I am currently writing the iPad keyboard…like the touch screen one. Soooo there ya go.

Little catch up, flow teacher training was amazing full of connection, and it was so inspiring. It was physically and emotionally difficult but I loved every minute of it. I also got to spend some time with amazing friends and have a few dates with a true gentleman while I was there. I’m back now had a weekend full of friends, though it has been rough to adjust to real life. The one year mark is coming up for when I stood up to abuse, and distanced myself from my family. Which is unreal and I can’t really believe it. Continue reading “Nearly a year”

Its been one year!!

I never know what to say first on these. Do I say hi? Do I just dive right in? Do I ease my way in like its an imaginary conversation? Who the hell knows.
Well friends, it has officially been a year since I’ve had this domain name, and I’m happy to say you’re stuck with me another year, because I just re-purchased it. So tough luck for you if you’re a hater I guess? I think last year I nearly broke even in terms of the things I have to pay for behind the scenes for the blog, so I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support. I just want to re-touch on why I started this blog in the first place, what drove me to write and where I’ve come with it.
Continue reading “Its been one year!!”

Abuse

Hiiiii
I’ve started writing a few times, got distracted and never finished those posts, so who knows those might come back around some day, but I’m gunna start fresh because none of those felt along the lines of how I’m feeling today.
In case you haven’t figured it out my mood changes a LOT. Day to day, hour to hour. I’m all over the place. Much much less so now than say, a year ago. Whats changed? Why, I’m so glad you asked! I’m not getting abused any more.
Continue reading “Abuse”

Saying No

I have always had a tendency to say yes, even when I didn’t want to because I’ve been afraid to hurt people, to be disappointing, to be not enough, I am afraid to let the person down. Saying no has been a practice. But I’m still not great at it. Continue reading “Saying No”

Rant over

Hiya
I’m back.
Did you miss me?
I feel all re-inspired and rested and have a lot I want to talk about, but thats not what I’m going to talk about. I’m going to go on a lil’ rant just for your reading pleasure. Well, if I’m being entirely honest its for a selfish reason, as I just feel like going on a rant. So get. Ready.

ALRIGHT, ready, set.

Looking back, I showed signs of being emotionally abused, and dealing with trauma like right fucking early. (Yeah, its going to be one of those posts) How none of the teachers, or people in my life noticed is a lil’ beyond me, but that is not my point here. My point is that because all this was happening I was different. I was different than my peers in my reactions, my sensitivity, my ability to be assertive, to speak, to be myself. The world is not always kind to those who are fighting through all of that. Whether you have good intentions or not, sometimes (often) people judge. They judge an overreaction as ‘too much work’ or ‘clingy’, or us being silent as us being ‘quiet/introverted’. If you look at my life like a movie ( UM JUST a side note, if my life were a movie Regina Spektor would play me thank you VERY much) look past this one incident, look past this still frame and look at the whole plot. You start to see that I’m reacting like this because this is how I’ve been taught. Some of my mannerisms were learned because thats what I had to do to survive. I’m quiet because I was never allowed to speak, and I learned that it was safer to be quiet, not be noticed or seen. I can react strongly sometimes because 20 plus years of being told that people don’t really care about me, they’re using me, that I’m useless, not worth listening to, not good enough not only doesn’t disappear quickly, it also doesn’t discriminate against potetial threats. So be fucking patient will ya? Don’t judge someone because they were having a hard time with something, ESPECIALLY if that something was say prompted by you cancelling plans, or saying a phrase you thought would be teasing but it really actually hit a nerve and triggered someone. Not everyone reacts differently and you never know what people have lived through and fought through with every single fibre of their being and strength, so yeah maybe this paticular thing makes them cry, but so what? How the hell are they supposed to learn what a healthy relationship (not necessarily romantic) is if no one sticks around to show them. Yes, I know as I’m saying this that it also takes a lot of personal strength for the person to be introspective but I’m saying this as if they’re doing their best to heal and change.

And ANOTHER thing. Don’t ghost people. Thats it for this one, just don’t be a coward and ghost someone you’ve been friends with or dating. Its cowardly.

Alright back to my main point.
My whole life has been spent hiding parts of myself and making myself small because I had to, I had to survive somehow. I turned off my goofy self, or turned it’s volume down, I became silent because it was safer. I would come home from hanging out with my BFF and my grandmother would talk to me for min. An hour about how that friend was using me, whether because I was bigger than them, and they were ‘keeping me around to feel good to feel better about themselves’, or just really didn’t care. That happened for god knows how many years. At least 10. SO YEAH I have a hard time believing that its possible for people to actually care. Yeah, I get scared when there are ‘signs’ of people leaving, or those things I was told meant I wasn’t cared for. BUT WHO THE FUCK WOULDN’T? For a very long time I have let people take advantage of me, given them too many chances, let guys tell me/convincing me to let them get away with certain things, or give them more leeway than they deserved. I was often the one told ‘I’m not the type of girl they’d date, but I’m the type they’d marry’, or decide to just fuck off after using me to get over their ex. Well, I’m kind of done letting people tell me what I do and do not deserve.

I’m telling YOU how it is now. Get. Ready.

(Or at the very least I’m going to try very hard. )

Okay, thats all for now.
Rant over.
I’m not even going to proof read this.
BAM

(This is where I’d drop the mic)

If you’d like to support me in a more financial (that means money)(i’m sassy/silly atm) there should be a ‘buy me a coffee’ button kicking around somewhere, it would mean a ton to me if you could donate. Or share this with a friend or two.