One of the perpetually hardest symptoms of borderline personality disorder, for me, is the chronic feelings of emptiness/loneliness. Continue reading “Chronic Loneliness”
Well, thank you again for your patience, I just got back from training and am settling into real life again. I am so dedicated to you guys that I am currently writing the iPad keyboard…like the touch screen one. Soooo there ya go.
Little catch up, flow teacher training was amazing full of connection, and it was so inspiring. It was physically and emotionally difficult but I loved every minute of it. I also got to spend some time with amazing friends and have a few dates with a true gentleman while I was there. I’m back now had a weekend full of friends, though it has been rough to adjust to real life. The one year mark is coming up for when I stood up to abuse, and distanced myself from my family. Which is unreal and I can’t really believe it. Continue reading “Nearly a year”
I never know what to say first on these. Do I say hi? Do I just dive right in? Do I ease my way in like its an imaginary conversation? Who the hell knows.
Well friends, it has officially been a year since I’ve had this domain name, and I’m happy to say you’re stuck with me another year, because I just re-purchased it. So tough luck for you if you’re a hater I guess? I think last year I nearly broke even in terms of the things I have to pay for behind the scenes for the blog, so I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support. I just want to re-touch on why I started this blog in the first place, what drove me to write and where I’ve come with it.
Continue reading “Its been one year!!”
I’ve started writing a few times, got distracted and never finished those posts, so who knows those might come back around some day, but I’m gunna start fresh because none of those felt along the lines of how I’m feeling today.
In case you haven’t figured it out my mood changes a LOT. Day to day, hour to hour. I’m all over the place. Much much less so now than say, a year ago. Whats changed? Why, I’m so glad you asked! I’m not getting abused any more.
Continue reading “Abuse”
I have always had a tendency to say yes, even when I didn’t want to because I’ve been afraid to hurt people, to be disappointing, to be not enough, I am afraid to let the person down. Saying no has been a practice. But I’m still not great at it. Continue reading “Saying No”
Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am not being abused anymore. Big sentence, big statement I’ll let that settle in.
If you’ve been abused of any type before especially give yourself a second and read that again. Continue reading “Reminder”
Disclaimer before you start: I wrote this in two different sittings, it’s everywhere. Much like my brain lately. 😀 I have kind of a running theme of self care, with other shit thrown in.
Continue reading “Be you (Self-care, and gratitude)”
Did you miss me?
I feel all re-inspired and rested and have a lot I want to talk about, but thats not what I’m going to talk about. I’m going to go on a lil’ rant just for your reading pleasure. Well, if I’m being entirely honest its for a selfish reason, as I just feel like going on a rant. So get. Ready.
ALRIGHT, ready, set.
Looking back, I showed signs of being emotionally abused, and dealing with trauma like right fucking early. (Yeah, its going to be one of those posts) How none of the teachers, or people in my life noticed is a lil’ beyond me, but that is not my point here. My point is that because all this was happening I was different. I was different than my peers in my reactions, my sensitivity, my ability to be assertive, to speak, to be myself. The world is not always kind to those who are fighting through all of that. Whether you have good intentions or not, sometimes (often) people judge. They judge an overreaction as ‘too much work’ or ‘clingy’, or us being silent as us being ‘quiet/introverted’. If you look at my life like a movie ( UM JUST a side note, if my life were a movie Regina Spektor would play me thank you VERY much) look past this one incident, look past this still frame and look at the whole plot. You start to see that I’m reacting like this because this is how I’ve been taught. Some of my mannerisms were learned because thats what I had to do to survive. I’m quiet because I was never allowed to speak, and I learned that it was safer to be quiet, not be noticed or seen. I can react strongly sometimes because 20 plus years of being told that people don’t really care about me, they’re using me, that I’m useless, not worth listening to, not good enough not only doesn’t disappear quickly, it also doesn’t discriminate against potetial threats. So be fucking patient will ya? Don’t judge someone because they were having a hard time with something, ESPECIALLY if that something was say prompted by you cancelling plans, or saying a phrase you thought would be teasing but it really actually hit a nerve and triggered someone. Not everyone reacts differently and you never know what people have lived through and fought through with every single fibre of their being and strength, so yeah maybe this paticular thing makes them cry, but so what? How the hell are they supposed to learn what a healthy relationship (not necessarily romantic) is if no one sticks around to show them. Yes, I know as I’m saying this that it also takes a lot of personal strength for the person to be introspective but I’m saying this as if they’re doing their best to heal and change.
And ANOTHER thing. Don’t ghost people. Thats it for this one, just don’t be a coward and ghost someone you’ve been friends with or dating. Its cowardly.
Alright back to my main point.
My whole life has been spent hiding parts of myself and making myself small because I had to, I had to survive somehow. I turned off my goofy self, or turned it’s volume down, I became silent because it was safer. I would come home from hanging out with my BFF and my grandmother would talk to me for min. An hour about how that friend was using me, whether because I was bigger than them, and they were ‘keeping me around to feel good to feel better about themselves’, or just really didn’t care. That happened for god knows how many years. At least 10. SO YEAH I have a hard time believing that its possible for people to actually care. Yeah, I get scared when there are ‘signs’ of people leaving, or those things I was told meant I wasn’t cared for. BUT WHO THE FUCK WOULDN’T? For a very long time I have let people take advantage of me, given them too many chances, let guys tell me/convincing me to let them get away with certain things, or give them more leeway than they deserved. I was often the one told ‘I’m not the type of girl they’d date, but I’m the type they’d marry’, or decide to just fuck off after using me to get over their ex. Well, I’m kind of done letting people tell me what I do and do not deserve.
I’m telling YOU how it is now. Get. Ready.
(Or at the very least I’m going to try very hard. )
Okay, thats all for now.
I’m not even going to proof read this.
(This is where I’d drop the mic)
If you’d like to support me in a more financial (that means money)(i’m sassy/silly atm) there should be a ‘buy me a coffee’ button kicking around somewhere, it would mean a ton to me if you could donate. Or share this with a friend or two.
Its been a bit. I’m sorry. I promise you I will come back. I just want to make sure when I post its coming from an authentic place, so I try not to push it if I feel like what I write doesn’t fit that. I’ve been processing shit, and avoiding shit. You know the deal. Grab yourself some tea, or a drink, and get ready, cuz I’m getting a wee bit salty here.
I have been sad for 8 months. Very sad, (I mean lets be honest, I’ve been sad most of my life) but this sad was different, it is deeper and more intense than I’d felt in a long time. It was a grief that sprouted not from death, but the ending of a relationship that, by all accounts, was meant to last your whole life. They’re meant to be some of the more unconditional, supportive, loving relationships, and realizing that that wasn’t true for me has been really hard. Losing part of my family not out of death, but out of choice was hard, but there was no other choice to make. Id reached a point where I had to two choices: staying in an emotionally abusive situation that was holding me back, breaking me down and destroying any sense of safety and comfort I ever found; or stand up and say that I’ve had enough, I’m worth more than this, I am enough already, I shouldn’t be made to feel so awful by those I hold close to me.
Needless to say, I felt awful. I felt empty, sad, betrayed. I did first talk about it on here, and yeah that was probably a shady move, but honestly I had no other choice. If I had talked to them in person I’d have had no support, and they would have gaslighted me, being rude, not listened, told me I was being dramatic. They would have been pissed off regardless of how I did it. I don’t feel guilty, I feel grateful that all you lovely folks were here for me, listened and reassured me that I have a right to use my voice and stand up for myself. I asked for space for a while, thinking that maybe it would last 3 months. You know, give me time to heal a bit, feel more solid in myself, my ability to be assertive and stand up for myself. The only way I felt safe to take the next step was a therapy setting, with a third party, that was neutral so that all parties could feel heard. It wasn’t safe, emotionally speaking, for me to be one on one with them. Especially since they’d made it clear they’d all discussed it, deleted me off social media at the same time. My space wasn’t respected, or taken seriously, and I was talked to like I was throwing a hissy fit, and that I’d made the whole thing up. (Spoilers, I didn’t) Going to therapy wasn’t something they were okay with, and every attempt at speaking I was met with clear signs that an open conversation wasn’t going to happen, an apology wasn’t going to be heard from them. I got the idea that they’d take me back, essentially if I crawled back with an apology or was willing to pretend none of it other happened, and not be heard. It destroyed me that they didn’t seem to care about my wellbeing, that none of them had my back, apologized for how I felt, or showed any signs of concern. I spent a lot of time feeling really fucking sad. I still am. But you know what else I feel? Fucking angry.
I’m angry that I was never a priority, I am angry because they emotionally abused me, changed the way I thought about myself, made me feel small, made me feel like I had to apologize for existing, made me feel crazy, fat, ugly, selfish. I am mad because they didn’t fight for me. That they chose sticking to their own ego over having a relationship with me. That rather than for one second think about me, or be concerned, make up, apologize, they chose to see me as a crazy, manipulative and selfish who would make up this kind of horrible story. The fact that they think I’m that kind of person is insulting. But I’m most mad that it happened in the first place. I’m mad that I let myself feel small, held myself back, that I let myself get talked to and treated like that for so long. I am so fucking angry that they could make a child feel like they were the cause of the adults around them feeling sad. That if only I’d been a better daughter life would be better. I’m angry that I went through hell as a kid, and was alone to deal with it, and as a biproduct of that have BPD, depression and mental health issues. I am fucking angry that after everyone I’ve lost, all the death, the funerals, the shit I’ve come through, I lost them too.
I am angry, which for a long time I didn’t really ever let myself be. I always was scared of anger because of how I’d seen it used as a weapon by so many around me. But do you know what I’m learning? That anger is a tool, its powerful enough to motivate change, to stand up for what you believe in, or for those who can’t stand up for themselves. Anger can be used constructively, creatively, compassionately rather than destructively. There is nothing wrong with feeling anger. In fact, its one of the stages of greif, which I’ve done all in the wrong order. Something has been holding me back from continueing to grow and letting myself feel angry has helped. I have been more creative lately with other things. I’ve written about three songs about this, I’ve started drawing again, and go through phases of lots of exersize, and barely any, but I am learning to listen to my body. I get up every day and face truths and realities that I for so long avoided, but I am letting that help me grow, do the scary painful thing so that I can learn from it.
There’s much more to say, but I’ll save some for next time 😉
Thanks for listening. You’re all awesome.
Lots of love, over and out.
When I was a kid my mom used to leave easter eggs around the house, so well sometimes that we would find them years later. She would grate a carrot like the easter bunny had been eating the carrots we left out for him. I always found it funny that he ate so messily. When we got older she left us chocolate still but on the counter. She was always did a good job of Easter and Christmas. Continue reading “Alone, Lost and Untyed”