Because of you

Will I ever easily tell the difference between your poisonous praises and my own sight?  Between the hate you taught me, and my own love? Your toxic words were watered and repeated for twenty long years, are the roots now too deep to dig up? Have they tangled themselves into my bones?  These bones they hold me up, they bring me places, how will I let people in, trust in the process if I can’t trust the very bones that I’m built with?

My building blocks are tainted, I know you don’t want to look. But in my face you’ll see the pain you caused, the agony in my skin and bones every moment growing up.  I’m thankful that without you, the pain has started to ease, but when you raised me you made me feel like a disease.  I have wanted to die since I was eight because of you, because of the absence of you and yet you say you’ve done nothing wrong.

Thank you for teaching me how not to love.  Thank you for teaching me how important it is to listen and love with an open mind, because you showed me how it felt to be cut off from love and shut up.  Because of you I learned to raise myself, and maybe I learned a few things wrong but I think I did okay considering I was a child.
Thank you for teaching me that the family youre born into is not the most important thing. The family you chose is.  And I do not fucking chose you, not like this, not the way it was.

It’s because of you that I panic when someone stands too close or walks too close behind me.  It’s because of you that I allowed myself to be treated like dirt by all of those I dated when I was younger.  You raised me to believe that my worth is non existent and can be easily crushed and overpowered.  You raised me to believe I was merely someone else’s coping mechanism.

I don’t hate you, I dont blame you after everything you’ve been through, I understand maybe you can’t see through any other lense than your heart break. I understand you have your own shit to sort through but that doesnt mean that I’m okay with being treated like a stress ball, or scapegoat. Emotional abuse is still abuse and its valid. And it’s okay that I dont want to be treated like that anymore. It’s okay for me to say no, its okay for me to day I deserve more. If you can’t see that maybe your love for me isn’t unselfish or unconditional.

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