What if I’m Broken

For as long as I can remember I have felt broken.  Broken not only in how I sometimes function emotionally, but I have felt like my heart is broken beyond repair and it would never go back;  Like when your parents told you not to make a silly face too long or it would get stuck that way.

I felt like my heart was fucking humpty-dumpty and no matter what I did it would never go back together again, at least not how it once was.  There are holes in it left by those who passed away or left, there are bruises left by words that can never be erased.  All those might fade, but they are always going to be there, along with the scars and stretch marks, they just run a little deeper, but they all where I came from.  I can’t describe the feeling, though I’m sure you’ve felt it at some point, even a fraction of it.  You know when it feels like someone is crushing your heart in their bare hands? Or like its chained to the bottom of your stomach, being stood on by a giant, like its broken in two and you can’t really catch your breath because the weight of that heart break is sitting on your lungs?  I feel that a lot. I feel that so frequently that I am afraid the people around me start to get annoyed, and wonder why on earth I’m always having such a hard time.  I feel like I’m too broken and that its annoying to others, or like they can never quite see and understand me, which leads to me feeling extremely alone and isolated.  People have commented on how often I seem to be having a hard time, said that I’m frustrating because they dont feel like they’re helping me.  I flip around a lot, as we have talked about, I can go from being really really happy, to really not okay very quickly sometimes.  I have trouble finding a middle ground in most things: which also applies to coping skills.  I exersize 8 hours a week or 1, I practice mindfulness a ton one day, none the next.  Im all into studying extra curricular things one day, another the next.

I guess what I’m saying, is that lately I’ve felt especially broken.  Ive been having a very hard time, I’ve been all over the place emotionally, I am hot and cold, all sorts of sad, questioning who I am.  Am I actually quiet or was I forced to be?  Am I actually introverted?  Who am I without the abuse?  Who am I without borderline? Am I broken?  Is it even possible for me to have a healthy functioning relationship?  Ive also just been really sad, which happens and there’s nothing wrong with that, but with some things that have been going on it has been very overwhelming.  More sadness than happiness; and after a bit it gets hard for me to be honest about my emotions because if I’ve been depressed or in a dark place for a while I get so scared that Im purely a frustrating burden.   There’s all those ‘surround yourself with positive people’ things out there, I’m not often that for an extended time.  The last thing I ever want to so is burden or hurt anyone, and Im so afraid of it that I’m practically afraid of existing.  But some days its hard to just stand up.  Its hard to eat, to shower, to ask for help, to smile.  Because every ounce of me is trying so hard to just keep going.  Sometimes all my energy is being used trying not to hurt myself, and Im terrified to disappoint the people around me and in my life that I just pull away before they can leave me.   I just, I feel too broken and Im so afraid people will see that and regret their choice of being friends with me.

 

There you go, another brutally honest heart felt post.  If youd asked me a year ago about this, I would have denied feeling it maybe.   But we need to start talking about this: about what its like to live with mental illness.  Otherwise stigma will live on, and we wont heal.

I have some exciting things planned for this blog.   So keep checking in: there is even an option to subscibe and get an email whenever theres a new post.  If you want to support even more:

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Love you all

 

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