I’m sometimes suicidal. Even on days where everything is going right, it crosses my mind. Its not something I’ve planned out details, just something I day dream about, in a way. Not in a nice way, more like…day nightmare I guess. Just this underlying feeling that I don’t belong, I’m a burden, and don’t deserve to exist.
Continue reading “I’m Sometimes Suicidal”
Good afternoon babe(s)
I hope you all had a really great halloween. I’m not really choosing a theme or topic today, I just wrote whatever came up. Kind of stream of consciousness, which often is what I do. Hopefully its easy-ish to follow.
I’m sorry that I don’t work the way you find easiest to understand. I’m sorry about all of my mistakes, and every time I wasn’t willing to own up to my shit. I’m sorry that I too often didn’t ask or listen when you needed me to, and that I asked too much of you too often. The weight of my world often felt to much to carry, but I should never have expected you to help me do the lifting. I’m sorry if I can be selfish, and I’m sorry I have no fucking clue what I’m doing.
Continue reading “I’m sorry”
So I’ve been trying to figure out why I had this sudden shyness to post on here. I mean, you’ve seen it, I suddenly started posting less. Granted yes, my life got busy I did flow training and had other shit going on, but it’s something deeper I just know it. Continue reading “My fucking voice”
One of the perpetually hardest symptoms of borderline personality disorder, for me, is the chronic feelings of emptiness/loneliness. Continue reading “Chronic Loneliness”
Well, thank you again for your patience, I just got back from training and am settling into real life again. I am so dedicated to you guys that I am currently writing the iPad keyboard…like the touch screen one. Soooo there ya go.
Little catch up, flow teacher training was amazing full of connection, and it was so inspiring. It was physically and emotionally difficult but I loved every minute of it. I also got to spend some time with amazing friends and have a few dates with a true gentleman while I was there. I’m back now had a weekend full of friends, though it has been rough to adjust to real life. The one year mark is coming up for when I stood up to abuse, and distanced myself from my family. Which is unreal and I can’t really believe it. Continue reading “Nearly a year”
I never know what to say first on these. Do I say hi? Do I just dive right in? Do I ease my way in like its an imaginary conversation? Who the hell knows.
Well friends, it has officially been a year since I’ve had this domain name, and I’m happy to say you’re stuck with me another year, because I just re-purchased it. So tough luck for you if you’re a hater I guess? I think last year I nearly broke even in terms of the things I have to pay for behind the scenes for the blog, so I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support. I just want to re-touch on why I started this blog in the first place, what drove me to write and where I’ve come with it.
Continue reading “Its been one year!!”
I’ve started writing a few times, got distracted and never finished those posts, so who knows those might come back around some day, but I’m gunna start fresh because none of those felt along the lines of how I’m feeling today.
In case you haven’t figured it out my mood changes a LOT. Day to day, hour to hour. I’m all over the place. Much much less so now than say, a year ago. Whats changed? Why, I’m so glad you asked! I’m not getting abused any more.
Continue reading “Abuse”
I have always had a tendency to say yes, even when I didn’t want to because I’ve been afraid to hurt people, to be disappointing, to be not enough, I am afraid to let the person down. Saying no has been a practice. But I’m still not great at it. Continue reading “Saying No”
Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am not being abused anymore. Big sentence, big statement I’ll let that settle in.
If you’ve been abused of any type before especially give yourself a second and read that again. Continue reading “Reminder”
Disclaimer before you start: I wrote this in two different sittings, it’s everywhere. Much like my brain lately. 😀 I have kind of a running theme of self care, with other shit thrown in.
Continue reading “Be you (Self-care, and gratitude)”