Happy New Year! Here’s hoping that 2019 will bring better things. It fucking better, cuz honestly I’m pretty tapped out of shit going wrong. I do know thats life, don’t try and pull that card but I would appreciate just a few months where some things go right, you know? I’m fuckin tired.
Christmas was really hard this year. I mean last year was the first year without my family and obviously that sucked, but I had a friend with me, and I had some friends rally around me and it really helped a lot. Last year I still had some hope or thought that maybe things would turn around, maybe I would get through to her. This year though, I know that their time in my life is likely up, I know that that disney ending isn’t going to happen. I know it because I know her, and because she send me a mean text a week ago. I spent Christmas Day alone, which to be honest, was awful. It was one of the hardest days I think I may have had in a very long time. It was the first Christmas I couldn’t talk to my grandpa, which had become my favourite part of christmas. I did wake up to some lovely messages wishing me happy holidays and all that, which was nice. The morning at first was fine, I had a gift or two to open, hungout being thankful of everyone. Then as the day progressed I started to feel more and more awful, until I essentially had a full break down. Not one, but two. I didn’t really talk to anyone all day, and seeing everyone’s social media broke me a little bit, seeing everyone with their family’s, everyone so happy. I got stuck in my head, I felt alone, I got overloaded until I snapped and I self-harmed. My pot boiled over, and I hadn’t really expected it to be this hard. I don’t self-harm much anymore. It was a big problem in highschool (massive), but for the most part now I don’t self-harm anymore. I’ve worked really hard at stopping it, and think within the last two years its maybe happened four times. Which is good considering the amount of emotional…stress, and all. I feel a little selfish, for what I guess I had wanted my holiday to look more like. I guess I just hoped that I would hear more from some folks, but I know thats a two way thing. I didn’t explain or reach out to even let them know that maybe I needed help.
I feel very much like I’m fucking everything up. Financially I’m not in a great place, because I wasn’t given enough hours at the cafe and other things didn’t pan out. I have enough for rent, and do get paid soon, but my credit card bill is high and I’m really stressed out about money. Money is one of the things that my mother did help me with sometimes. If ever I was in a tough spot she would offer to help, or lend me money. Money stresses me out, and I thought for a while that I got through this whole year of financial stressors (among countless others) alright. But realizing last night where I was at just sent me down a spiral of “what if they were right about me”.
Its been 16 months since I ended the emotional abuse, and cut ties with my family and this shit still happens. I still occasionally question whether I’m the awful person, and liar that they tell me I am. What if I did ruin the family, what if I am selfish, what if I’m not strong enough, or good enough to do this on my own?
Growing up I was punished with silence a lot. Sometimes that meant I would be ignored, sometimes she would say ‘I’m so mad at you that I can’t even bear to look at you’ and she’d lock herself in her room for hours. I’d be terrified, because usually there was screaming prior to this, or sometimes angrily moving things around (I don’t know how to explain that, like slamming doors and putting things down with anger in your day to day tasks?) Silence showed up in some other forms, quite often I’d speak and no one would respond, I’d ask if they heard me and they’d say “i heard you, I just have nothing to say”, which may be normal (is it? I dont actually know) but often it would happen with things I felt were important, or that I wanted an answer to, it wasn’t just like “oh look a dog” shit. (Idk man, I mean it was actual important things, at least to me) While having family dinner or whatever I would be constantly interrupted. SO often, most often by my sister, and no one would let me finish. This may sound small, and maybe they all sound small all separate, but put them all together, that usually in one meal or family conversation I’d be interrupted at least twice or more, that they would not respond to some things I said, that I was told I couldn’t even be looked at or talked to for things that really, weren’t that big of a deal. I felt invisible. I felt that it would be better for everyone if I didn’t exist. I felt unheard, unseen, unimportant, and like a waste of space. I was made to feel that over and over and over again just with those actions alone. Those feelings still haunt me. That feeling like I am unimportant, or a burden, that people are better off without me is one of the things that comes up the most. Especially this christmas. It comes up when I’m say talking to a friend online, I say something (usually only if its important or emotional) and they don’t respond because they dont know how or don’t think they need to? all of those feelings immediately flood back. I’m triggered, I’m trying to deal with it but its really fucking hard. It also comes up in thoughts like these:
Why would anyone be friends with me, this two years I’ve been depressed almost constantly, often in crisis mode, probably selfish. I ask too much, I don’t give enough. I am not important, my feelings aren’t important, maybe they think I’m being overdramatic. Maybe my family was right, maybe I am a burden.
Then I do shit like pull away. Because I’m scared that I’m becoming a burden just by going through this shit. Just for existing, and trying to get better.
Its so annoying.
Okay, thats a lot of feels, and I need to lay down.
Thanks for listening.
If you’d like to support please consider the following;
-be honest, be kind, be open
-‘buy me a coffee’
-reach out to other, keep being you and fighting your battles. You aren’t alone, even when you feel it the most.