One of the perpetually hardest symptoms of borderline personality disorder, for me, is the chronic feelings of emptiness/loneliness.
Its one that I have a hard time putting words to, and its difficult because no matter what you do, if things are going better in your life, youre learning to cope better as soon as you let your guard down, or you get sick or something it pops back up. Oh, but it doesn’t come alone, it likes to bring along old memories, or things people said to me that hurt my feelings. Its a strong, powerful emotion that is so hard to describe in how intense and painful it is. It feels like this uncomfortable burning, empty ache that you never can look directly at, so you do things like drink, exersize, talk to people, but when you go home its still there, and its more intense than it was before. Its this pain that feels like its always been there, and it will always be, so it kindof rips your hope for ever feeling better away. It feels like there is this black hole inside of me, eating away at my attempts to feel better, to heal, to connect to people. As I said it is hard to describe, but its more intense than just feeling lonely, or empty; and to be honest its intensified since I went no contact with my family. It didn’t really change how lonely I felt, because I had kind of grown up alone but it confirmed my feelings. I don’t have a home, (like…I have an apartment, I mean home differently here) I have family, but not an immediate/blood family, it feels a bit overwhelmingly lonely. Like I’m facing the world by myself, which I logically know isn’t the case, I have people who love me, and I have some family and friends. Anyway, see this is really hard to describe, and we all know I tend to worry way too much. So lets try this again.
Sometimes I feel like I’m alone and insignificant in my life. I have no family to go back to for holidays, or who call and ask you when you’re going to see them next, or who I can call to check how to cook some dish I’ve never made, or what to do about my cats shenanigans (do not get me started). When holidays come around now, its just me and my cat; last year I learned to cook a turkey, and had tons of friends here for thanksgiving. I didn’t really make any plans this year, I’ve been far too sick this week. I have friends who love me, and I have family who love me, but I always seem to keep them at a distance. Its like I panic when people get close, and I always screw it up. And I get so scared of screwing it up, that sometimes just the fear is what fucks it up. (Oof) I have friends I see once a week, friends I see once a month or less. If a friend hasn’t been responsive, or reached out in a while, or I’m always messaging first, my brain will tell me that they don’t care, they don’t want to be my friend, blah blah blah.
So this feeling is like….a painful 7/10 lonely, empty, hopeless feeling, and then my brain likes to pile on this stuff about friends who don’t answer, things I’ve screwed up, and it loops around and around and around.
Needless to say probably, but while I’ve been sick this week, this feeling has been running laps inside my chest. Being sick has always been hard on my mental health because you can’t really do much to distract yourself besides sleep and watch netflix, and that though thats what you physically need is rest, mentally it kills me. Thanksgiving is coming up, which is just naturally sad as its a family time.. that one year mark has come and gone, and there are a few other things my brain has been circling around. There have also been some good things: I joined a choir, I’m teaching a bit of piano and voice, a friend/partner came up from Montreal to visit me, the weather is beautiful. And I’m getting better, sick wise, I could leave the house without feeling like I was going to die today, and the pressure in my sinuses has decreased significantly which means not only can I breathe, but I don’t constantly feel like I’m tearing up.
Next post will come soon, Im trying to decide between a couple topics.
Thanks so much for reading