Gloomy, Rainy Day

Here we are, another ridiculous day.  Ever have days where the weather just matches your mood?  Not necessarily that it changes your mood just that it starts pouring rain and you say “yeah sounds right”. (Usually I love rain, but sometimes the gloom suits). Today, my lovely internet friends, was that kind of day.  Now, usually my mood can change minute to minute, from extreme to extreme, like little coloured marbles. Sometimes it changes so quickly I get whiplash, but sometimes those little moments that are all grey gloomy colours tend to pile up, and form a mountain of a grey gloomy day; with some bits of sunshine splashed in there, for a sense of false hope. (Haha, but seriously right? Thats how it feels)  So, let me paint you a little imaginary picture. The last two nights I have not been sleeping well, (sleep and nightmares is another story), I have been working through some digestive things, waiting for surgery, there’s a lot physically going on in my body right now, which effects my energy level, and general energy.  There’s a lot going on in my life.  (Lots of amazing things I’m so grateful for too). Today I woke up, everything hurt, my head was pounding, I wanted to roll over and not get up, I felt so incredibly sad.  I pulled myself up, ate breakfast, made a lunch, brought a smoothie in my favourite travel mug (I just bought it for myself to celebrate this blog, teaching, and where I’m at.  It says “I bend so I dont break” on it, it is white and gold and beautiful. It reminds me why I do what I do, and how I got to where I am. Plus how incredibly lucky I am to have an amazing teaching job). I pulled my sorry ass down the street to work (the one that isn’t my dream job), all the while my body protesting, my heart in my stomach, my head full of jackhammers, and that inner child throwing one hell of a tantrum.  I got to work, the job that I like, but its not my passion, and I didn’t want to be there, I didn’t want to be awake at 630am, I didn’t want to turn those bright lights on.  I tried to listen to music, smile like an idiot when all I wanted to do was frown, still, those dark stormy waves came crashing down.  It was busy, and the first bit passed quickly and my coworker got there and I remember saying “I’m grumpy today” as both of us were half-asleep walking around the cafe.  Part of the duties on Thursday is to count inventory.  You know this, you count each individual milk, each syrup, each cup sleeve, each coffee bean (ok thats exaggerated but thats how it felt this morning. Thats how everything felt this morning). I felt like I just wanted to be hugged, to cry, to sleep.  I open the fridge to count the stupid milk, and a whip cream carton knocks over my mug (you remember, my beautiful new TWO DAY OLD mug, that I love so much) and it broke.  Broke into pieces. Smoothie in my shoe, it was a mess.  Maybe you’re thinking “could have been worse”, but I may as well have thrown that $25 dollars into the garbage instead of spending it on the only damn mug of its kind left in the store.   I can see now that its not the end of the world, but this morning I went and hid in the backroom to cry.  I could go into more detail, but I think you get the drift.  To a “normal” (hahaha right, like that exists) person, this may have not seemed like a big deal.  Maybe a little annoying, but you’d say “aw shit” and move on?  To me, it felt like all the love I’ve been trying to give myself was slapped out of my hands, felt like the universe was like “AH HAH! You THINK you’re getting better eh? Well I’ll show you”. Not that it is. It felt like it was my heart that broke.  The day went on, other things happened, I have a big dentist bill, I was in pain, and tired. It felt like my body was moving against me with the BPD, the cyst, digestion issues, and now dental stuff?  It felt like the universe was playing with me.   I cried a few more times, and pulled myself together to get to the studio.  As I get there, a lady standing outside says “what gloomy weather” and I heard myself say “true, but thats okay, it has to happen some days, or we wouldn’t enjoy the sunshine”. Well. Fuck. I thought, yeah today’s been horrible, but shouldn’t that be under that same logic.  As always, teaching was amazing, then the day went back to its stubborn self, but it has to happen sometimes. Damn wisdom.   Its so easy for me sometimes to see things in all or nothing.  The mug broke, I got the dentist estimate and “nothing ever works out for me.  Life is hard. Why even bother doing nice things, working so hard”. Then things are good and i’m all “life is sugar, and roses, and everything’s beautiful, and everyone’s great.” (I don’t necessarily think these things, this is my half-asleep brain you’re communicating with here). Now and then, I have moments like these, where I can see that this gloomy rainy, messy day, isn’t every day.  And if it weren’t for these days, I wouldn’t love or appreciate  the good sunny days as much.

Well, different tone in this one, a bit ranty, but I did say picture.  Those have a lot of detail…
But my cat has not decided the best spot to sit is on my hands right in front of the screen, and I’m awkwardly trying to look over her body.  Shes getting away with it, the queen she is. Therefore my painting has come to a close for today.
Thank you for listening.
Thank you for reading.
Thank you to the rain.

Over and out
Borderline Babe

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