It’s been a while how are you all doing? I’d love to hear from some of you: what are you wanting to hear or know? Within any range of topics however ‘taboo’ that’s exactly why I’m here. To talk about the shit, pertaining to mental health and wellness/trauma and all that that is awkward or not talked about. So lay it on me: comment or dm me:)
I have a couple things to talk about today and it’s a wide range of topics. So hold onto your theoretical horses.
You know that old camp song that says “cant go over it, cant get under it, cant go around it gotta go through it” or whatever? (I never actually went to camp tbh I barely remember this song or game thing) Pain is kind of like that. We can push it aside, push it down and suppress it but the only way to move past it and grow with it is to feel it, give it some space, and go through it. Because here’s the thing: emotions are a completely normal human response and though it may be easier to suppress that energy has to go somewhere so if you don’t let it out it’ll stay with you and come up in ways that eventually might be unhealthy. Sometimes it can come up in physical pain (think of when your stressed- are your shoulders tight up to your ears? Is your jaw tight. When you’re sad do you hunch your shoulders and make yourself small? It’s like that but on a bigger scale) sometimes we can take it out on those around us in unhealthy and unkind ways. Sometimes we isolate ourselves or get in our own way. We all have our own shit, our own stories, our painful pasts, dreams and mysterious futures. Guaranteed we have all messed up and hurt someone, not listened to our friends or our body, said the wrong thing. It happens and that doesnt make you a bad person, it makes you human. The problem comes up when we start to repeatedly do the things that aren’t working, when those behaviours become manipulative, mean and unfair. When we hide from ourselves and our pasts so much we can’t stand the idea of being vulnerable and instead of facing it all head on we dig a bigger hole.
Here’s what I do believe: vulnerability is a sign of immense strength. Through acts of vulnerability we become stronger, but we also become so much more connected to one another, to ourselves: our hearts and bodies.
Ok with that said I’d like to remind you that we are our own worst critics. You’re doing better than you think. You’ve made it through all the difficult shit so far, you’ve got this.
You good? Imma change subjects now…just a warning
One thing about emotional abuse no one tells you is how difficult it becomes to self-assure, believe in your own eyes and ears. To believe in your own story, to feel comfortable forming your own opinions and standing up for yourself. Being assertive is a skill that I have worked very hard to develop. But shit, its hard. Harder still is that two years later I’m still second guessing my right to my voice, second guessing my own memories. “Maybe they’re right, maybe I am too sensitive and this is all my own fault” “maybe I am an awful person but I’m too self-involved to notice” “maybe I made this all up”. Notice how the last 2 especially start to lose all stand in logic. The thing is I didn’t make it up. And I cant let other people’s opinions of my story hold more merit than my own memories, or their opinions make me start gaslighting myself. Yes we all have our own experiences and perspectives but I didnt make it up. It happened, I still remember I cried often and hard everytime I was around them, I get triggered all the fucking time, and the root cause is always to do with emotional abuse. I’ve spent hours (and a lot of money on a therapist) diving into these triggers, memories both suppressed physically or mentally, and learning new coping mechanisms and creating a toolbox of things I can use when I’m triggered in the future. The difference between who I am now, verses who I was two years ago is honestly astounding. I can stand up for myself, I can say no and stay grounded and feel confident in situations I used to feel small and ashamed in. I feel safe enough now to feel my feelings and heal those memories and things I wasnt able while the abuse still happened. When I disassociate sometimes I can pull myself back out. I can give a list of things I’m good at, people who love me and things I want to do in the future. I think about ending my life far far less, I rarely, if ever self harm, I have been eating disorder free for quite a while now. I have some really really good friendships and feel able to create boundaries. I have dated and not allowed myself to be treated poorly. Those are all massive fuckjng changes and to me, those alone are proof to me. But the thing I have to try and remember is that 1. I’m not making it up, therefore I am allowed to feel confident in my voice and memories. 2. I haven’t done anything wrong 3. I have grown so fucking much and 4. I was told for most of my life that my emotions were not valid, my voice wasn’t important enough to listen to, that I was crazy and wrong and a mistake. Of course it would be hard to believe in myself. Also, as a few people have pointed out: if I was a bad person I probably would spend this much time worrying that I am a bad person.
I feel very lucky that I have some good friends who are fiercely supportive, don’t underestimate the power of believing in your friends and loved ones, of listening to them and standing up for them even when they aren’t around Or dont ask you to. (One of the best feelings in the damn world, especially for someone who didn’t really get listened to or stood up for growing up) I have a couple friends who were there or have been around long enough to be able to remind me solidly what jt was like on the outside. And I have a couple friends who have been through similar things. As much as I wish they hadn’t been through so much pain, it’s so therapeutic to have someone who can say “oh man I know what you mean, I struggled to believe in myself too” thank you to all of you.
Okay friends, I think that’s all for now. Please do reach out I’d love to hear from you.
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