Good afternoon babe(s)
I hope you all had a really great halloween. I’m not really choosing a theme or topic today, I just wrote whatever came up. Kind of stream of consciousness, which often is what I do. Hopefully its easy-ish to follow.
I’m sorry that I don’t work the way you find easiest to understand. I’m sorry about all of my mistakes, and every time I wasn’t willing to own up to my shit. I’m sorry that I too often didn’t ask or listen when you needed me to, and that I asked too much of you too often. The weight of my world often felt to much to carry, but I should never have expected you to help me do the lifting. I’m sorry if I can be selfish, and I’m sorry I have no fucking clue what I’m doing.
I came to this conclusion, on a dark day, that people let you down; whether it be due to our own shit, or the other persons. Now, not all people will let you down, but be prepared that it will happen often, and it will hurt; and very likely, I’ve let others down and I’m sorry for that too. My dear, other people have their own shit, a body they’ve lived in their whole lives: felt pain in, injured, been happy and grateful, felt pleasure and fear in. They make their own mistakes, act out of fear and tell lies; they even hide and distance themselves when they’re triggered. The thing is, when you (I) have a family (mother, sister, father, brother) I feel like it doesn’t phase you as much that other people can be so fleeting (or at least it didn’t phase me the same way), because you have your family no matter what, or so you thought. But when you lose this ground you once stood on, and realize you no longer have that constant, or maybe it was never there to begin with, the world becomes a little more lonely. To me although that unconditional love wasn’t there before, I suddenly felt so alone in such a deep way. Holidays alone, no family dinners, no one to call to ask motherly advice from (how do I cook this, clean that, am I dying?) no one to ask to help financially, no one to help me move, watch my cat and no emergency contact. Suddenly every time they told me that no one really likes me, that I’m unwanted and undeserving of love is such a loud feeling in my chest and I worry every so often they’re right. If they are right, I’ll be left in the world with no one. What if I mess this all up?
I am sorry that I messed up so many friendships, but the thing I like to think is the ones that are worth most are the ones that stick around. Not that douchebag who called me a ‘dramaqueen’ in my darkest month that never talked to me straight, or the one who said the two of us can only be friends when I’m happy. (Like I said, people can let you down) The people who empathize, listen, admit when they’re wrong, and challange you when you mess up, and love you anyway: those are the people to hold close, to cherish and who wont just disappear on you. I’ve made mistakes, I’ve messed up and I’m not perfect, nor will I ever be. I think considering what I’ve been through I’m doing pretty good; I grew up teaching myself how to feel and deal with the intense and traumatic things going on. The world broke me early on, and I’ve just been spending my life trying desperately to put myself back together. I’m doing therapy, facing my shit head on and I think thats a big fucking deal.
The last three years of my life have been probably the hardest three years of my life. After the best two months of my life travelling I moved back into an abusive home, and proceeded into the worst depression I’ve had since highschool. The day I’d decided years ago I’d end my life on came and passed. I surgery and then the hardest of all: I stood up to the emotional abuse in my family. I felt and am still dealing with the loss of them. While all of this happened I achieved one of my biggest dreams and became a yoga teacher, which continues to give me life, and purpose, and so so much gratitude. I often can get really hard on myself that I’m not doing enough, my body isn’t enough, or I haven’t done enough. I’m sure that I’m not alone in this, so pause a moment and think about the last year, two or three and think of the things you’ve accomplished or been through. Heck, share them if you want! With a friend, in the comments, DM me, because often when you say it out loud or write it all out its easier to have more empathy for yourself because you realize ‘shit, thats no small defeat.’ Do something for me: think about 2 things you did today you’re proud of (I did dishes and re-organized the tupperware cupboard).
Okay that’s all for today.
I appreciate all of you.
One thought on “I’m sorry”
This posting is a good sign to me; it is the most positive thing I have read from you. It seems to me you are coming out of a long, dark tunnel. Keep up the good work and vibes. I remember an old adage that came from the Crystal Cathedral’s Robert Schuller, “If it’s going to be, it’s up to me.” I am an atheist, but it doesn’t hurt to listen to others, whether you agree with them or not on other matters. Wisdom can be found everywhere if you listen. My granddaughter Caitlin is a frosh at Queen’s. where your cousin Blair and Aunt Tish graduated. I hope we can meet together in Kingston so you can get to know another side of your family. I had great respect for David when we worked together. He was a gem and a great loss. I have lost touch with Richard, but I know Tish is still in touch and you spoke with him when you were in Halifax. Support can come from other family members, so please don’t despair.