Insignificant

I spent my entire life feeling lonely, and yet I have never felt alone like this before.

I feel insignificant in my own life. People always say friends are fleeting but family is forever. What is your family isnt? Theres no solid ground, no support sysyem to fall back on, no one to put down as an emergency contact, or to call when youre sick and scared. Those people who were supposed to have your back, know you inside and out, arent and dont. What then? Friends are still fleeting,esp with BPD because Im still learning how to be a friend, keep friends. Im learning how to trust, and more importantly who to trust. I was recently ghosted, again, by a friend. It feels awful, I feel like I was insignificant and unimportant for them to not even straight up say “I dont wanna be your friend”. But truth be told there were a lot of red flags. They werent a great friend to begin with, theyd be on their phone the entire time we hung out, every time. Theyd bail, not listen. Not apologize or own up. They had shining moments where they were great and Id chose to see only those, and forgive everything else, no questions asked. Truth be told, I dont want to be friends with someone who thinks ghosting people youre supposed to care about is ok. But see, I constantly get myself into friendships where I put in most of the effort. I text first always, I ask to hangout first always. I know some people work like that, but at the end of the day I am left feeling insignificant to them. Most friends have partners, which is great, I know this isnt logical and its selfish but I dont have anyone that close. I feel lately like I could lift out of my own life without making waves.

Side note, I have also been having an allergic reaction for three weeks. Being this itchy is driving me insane.

I know this is a sad post, Im word vomiting all of my feelings on this page. I appreciate you listening.

Ive been listening to Broken by Patrick Watson on repeat while writing this.

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