I never know what to say first on these. Do I say hi? Do I just dive right in? Do I ease my way in like its an imaginary conversation? Who the hell knows.
Well friends, it has officially been a year since I’ve had this domain name, and I’m happy to say you’re stuck with me another year, because I just re-purchased it. So tough luck for you if you’re a hater I guess? I think last year I nearly broke even in terms of the things I have to pay for behind the scenes for the blog, so I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support. I just want to re-touch on why I started this blog in the first place, what drove me to write and where I’ve come with it.
I started it because when I was diagnosed with BPD (borderline personality disorder, I hope you’ve figured that out by now) I mainly found literature that spoke negatively of those with BPD, and not much of it was actually true, or helpful in the least. I felt very alone, I got into this spiral of hating myself, and thinking of every single mistake I’ve ever made (not a great path to be on), and it just made me feel I was broken. It triggered me and reaffirmed all of the things I believed about myself that ended up being byproducts of the abuse. These books and articles made me feel like a burden, misunderstood, very alone and hopeless. Despite all this, and the amount of shame I felt, I made a choice pretty early on to talk about it. This was because if I’m feeling this, garunteed there are others who feel the same, and I wanted to help at least one person who feels simlar things and feels alone. One person was my goal. I have not felt ashamed of my dianosis in quite some time, because I know that it doesn’t make me who I am, but its a part of who I am. Its not something that is set in stone, I can heal some things, learn to live with other things, and change my behaviours to some extent. But I also realized that having BPD does not make me unloveable.
I had my one year thing with my therapist recently, and you know we did a look back on what I’ve learned, what worked, what didn’t. And I realized a lot of things, but one being that I have consistently had a very hard time feeling safe with people. As a result of growing up in an emotionally unsafe house, I always was on edge, or had some protection up, some level of fear which held me back from being close to people, but what happened when people snuck past those and they did get close? I would panic. Because to me, that was an unsafe zone, because my whole life I’d been manipulated, guilt tripped, and made to feel like a burden for existing. Every time I got a compliment, or a favour was done for me, regardless how basic, it always came at a price. Whether that was my dignity, my self esteem, or my comfort in some way. Letting people in has been very hard, but I’m learning to understand when compliments or nice gestures come without strings that they actually feel really good. Its not as scary. And now that I am not constantly being made to feel small by my abusers, I have more self esteem and can see that I do deserve love and sometimes those compliments are right. 😉
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Everything changes in small doses, and one day we look back and see how far we have actually come, and I wouldn’t have been nearly as strong or brave this year if it weren’t for all of your support, some amazing friends, and my therapist.
Can I just say that its okay to ask me about difficult things. Nothing you say is going to remind me of how difficult it was/is, because I feel that already every day. Its absolutely okay to ask me about it, more than that, I like it when its asked about. It lets me know you care, that you’re there for me. When it isn’t mentioned for months at a time, or you don’t ask how I’m doing it feels hella awkward, and I feel more alone. But thank you for those that have listened without trying to fix, or without thinking of their response while I’m talking. Thank you for those who have done little things, big things I love you all. Okay, I’m off topic now, gotta go back.
So this blog started off just being about BPD, but as I started I realized there are a lot of things that I could and needed to talk about. Things I always held in as a secret, that felt like some dark corner of me I was hiding away and ashamed of. As I’ve been letting out little bits of my darkness this last year and a half, I’m realizing that all of us feel a lot of this stuff. Maybe differently, maybe more or less functionally but we are not alone with these feelings. I’ve received a few messages expressing gratitude and saying I’ve helped, or reaching out asking for help (which I really do like getting), and I have to say, its been as helpful for me too. So now, I’m speaking of the abuse, of recovery, of eating disorders, body dismorphia, bpd, general disjunction and thats kindof my plan to keep doing. I do have a few ideas to expand on this, to add some cool features, but currently with the amount of projects going on I don’t have the money, or energy to get to them quite yet, but they are in the works. Just remember that I have depression and getting out of bed is sometimes really hard, so I haven’t even been writing as much as I should be.
Thats all for now, please reach out if there are any questions you have that relate to bpd/abuse/anything, or if you have any feedback. I’d love it if you followed my insta (brutallyhonestborderline) where I post more frequently, and post lots of body positive stuff, and if you shared this blog with a friend or two. Please feel free to comment, message, or whatever. Here’s the link if you’re feeling up for helping me financially, its a lovely website that allows small 3$ donations, which go a long way, but as someone who has struggled with money, I do understand and don’t take offence if you can’t help out that way. Thank you.