Lately its been hard to breathe. Its hard to explain when people ask how Ive been that it feels like there is a cement block pressing down on my chest holding me under water. Its hard to explain how my whole body seems to be overflowing with greif and pain, when a lot of people dont understand the severity of the loss. They act as if it was a choice. And out of good intentions they say things like ‘its not forever.’ Just for a second imagine losing your family. Not because of death (though I know from experience that thats awful too) but because they chose not to be open and to not apologize. Imagine theyd emotionally/verbally abused you for years and though its accidental, it was serious and did a lot of damage.
Lately its been so dark, life moves as if in slow motion and fast forward at the same time. I lay awake a lot stressing about this combination of little things, weird and hard things until the pile of shit is so high I cant see the top. Yes, Im trying to use the tools I have, be active, stay mindful but when its already hard to eat and sleep sometimes everything else feels like climbing mountians.
Lately its been hard to eat, food has no appeal a lot of the time. I’ve made a mental note to check in every two hours to see if I’ve eaten, but sometimes I forget.
I haven’t been going to the gym or yoga nearly as much as I should, because I work every day, and by the time I’m done I’m too tired or depressed to have the motivation to go.
So, here’s an honest answer to ‘how are you?’:
I am truckin’ away. I tend to be around the map with my mood, as you may know by now. But I am more often depressed lately, more often anxious, and the intensity of those have been amplified, of fucking course. So, there are some days where I dont want to exist. Not that I have a plan, but I think about it casually. If you’ve never felt it, it’s really hard to explain. Promise that I have no plan. But I do think about not existing. I have felt like a burden for being depressed and grieving. I have not been well. But I’ve been trucking away, feeling what I have to, not giving up, fighting one moment at a time.
With all this shit coming up, it has hard to feel great about my body. Feeling pretty awful about it. Someone reminded me the other day that our physical, emotional, and spiritual health are not separate. There are times we can put relatively equal amounts of energy into all of it, and there are times where we need to use a little extra in one area and the others diminish a bit. Feeling greif and being depressed won’t diminish if you put tons of pressure on yourself to be out and active, and happy, and busy all the time. In fact, you’re on your way to burn out (ahem, speaking of, sounds like me eh?). Its okay to be sad, its okay to not be okay. Its okay to give yourself the time to feel those emotions. Keep checking in and asking yourself ‘what would be for my highest good right now?’, and listen to the answer. If its gym, great. If its laying in bed and watching Netflix, great. But do so without guilt, let yourself enjoy what your body needs.
So what am I doing about the depression, and stress? I am taking a step back from working at the part time job starting soon. I postponed a commitment I had in the spring to August, I am being as kind to myself as I can. I am going to therapy, tryin to ask for help, and remembering (trying to) the tools I’ve spent so long learning. I’m expressing appreciation and gratitude for the things I am lucky enough to have and the people I’m lucky to have in my corner.
Thank YOU, yes you, for reading, and supporting. Thank you for being open about your own shit, and holding space for others emotions, mistakes and the parts that they’re renovating. There’s a ‘Buy me a Coffee’ button on the side or bottom of the screen, if you feel compelled to support in a more financial manner, its always greatly appreciated. Other forms of support: tell your friends about the blog, reach out and give me feedback, or just keep on being the amazing human you are!