My Guarded Heart (asking for space)

There is a tightness in my chest that wont go away no matter how deeply I inhale.  Its been there a long time, its like armour, guarding my heart from pain and intruders.  It has kept me safe for as long as I remember, from the abuse of those around me, from all the people who died, who left, all the times my heart was broken.  It is part of what keeps me distant from the world, if I don’t let myself love, be loved, or be vulnerable it reduces the chances that my heart will be broken again.  Now I’m ready to be open, and this blog helps me so  much to do that.  I am glad to be helping people.  I wanted to talk about asking for space in relationships, and a bit of a check in from the other week. 

This blog has been a huge challenge to the area around my heart, the part that wants to build a wall, be secretive about my darkness.  Don’t get me wrong, its been really good for me, and I am glad to hear that I have been helping people, but it is a hard thing to do: telling you all all my darkest deepest secrets and thoughts.  It means that I’m being vulnerable in the biggest way I can think of, and it also poses a risk.  I don’t ever post anything in a malicious way, or lie, as I have in my title I am ‘Brutally Honest’. Its actually encouraged me to be more honest in my day to day life too, and its made a positive difference.  I’m thankful for all of you reading, and every time anyone asks a question, or I hear that I’m helping someone.  I am thankful to be able to be honest, and feel like I am not the only one feeling something, or to have the mask and armour off, and feel like its safe to be myself.  Sometimes, those closest to me might not like the truth.  Hell, those farthest might not either, but it is the truth.  My truth, my experiences which will always look different from another who may have been there, but that doesn’t mean theyre invalid.  You know? I know that a few posts have been hard for friends and family members to read, but I went into this with the intention of being totally, brutally honest, though it might take me a bit to peal the layers away.

A few weeks ago I posted about emotional abuse, and I tried my very hardest to do it in the most compassionate, loving, empathetic way that I knew how.  I hadn’t talked to them about it one on one first, at least not about all of it.  I had broached smaller subjects, and they weren’t responded to well, so it wasn’t a possibility for me to do it face to face.  It wouldn’t have been safe for me, nor would it have been heard.  Posting it felt like the safest emotional way for me to be open, but it was a risk to post it.  I know that it hurt some people and that was not my intention.  I didnt do it to change anyone’s mind about the people I spoke of; it shouldn’t change how you feel about them, we all have flaws, we all make mistakes, we all hurt and hurt others.   I am sorry for hurting those that I hurt, but I’m not sorry for being honest.  It was something that I knew I had to talk about eventually, and no matter when it was it probably would have played out the same way.  It was eating me away and every day was ticking down, until the day came when I felt ready to be honest.  Since I posted I have asked for some space between my family and I, so that I can unravel myself from the tangled mess of emotions I feel when I’m around them, and start to heal myself from it all.  I also knew that I needed to make a change to how I let myself be treated, and how I feel about myself around them.  This space was asked for lovingly, and I tried to make sure they knew it wasn’t forever.

Unforunately I don’t think they were ready to see what I was so bluntly pointing out, and I think I hurt them, and am now the villain to them.  Which is fine, I knew that was a possibility.   I think that they hurt a lot themselves (they grew up in the same atmosphere, they have hurt too), which is fair, and me being as honest as to suggest emotional abuse was a lot for them, and everyone really, to take in.  I have been going through phases of feeling like a horrible person, feeling guilty, (those two are the voices of the abused part of me, the part that feels as if I can never do anything right, that I don’t deserve better) feeling really deeply deeply sad but I also feel kind of free, and glad that I asked for what I so badly needed.  I feel like for the first time in a long time I know that I can take care of myself, because I stood up for myself, and I asked for what I needed.    I love them, I do not hold any anger towards them in the slightest but at the same time I know that I did the right thing for myself, and that I would never be able to grow if every time I was around them I was being triggered left and right.  I have a feeling that it will be a while before they’re able to see it, or have that conversation; but I am not willing to go back to the way things were.  I can’t let myself be treated that way again, and until they’re able to honestly listen, be open and compassionate about the subject with me, that space will lovingly remain.  Maybe you think I’m a horrible person for doing this, maybe you support me, but regardless don’t let this become your fight.  So if you know them, if you don’t know them, don’t take this into your relationship with them.  This is between me and them, and I don’t want to bring anyone else into this., or change how you see them.  They’re human just as I am, and you are.  They are lovely, strong, beautiful people whom I love deeply.  But for now, I have to chose my emotional safety and emotional wellbeing and I have to put myself first.  Call me selfish, call me rude, we all have to put ourselves first sometime in order to heal, and take care of ourselves.

You know what though?  I’m not a horrible person.  I am a sensitive, hurting person, who felt she was being treated poorly by some loved ones, and was open about it.  They didn’t like it, as is their right, and I asked for space to heal.  I want to make it clear that they aren’t horrible people either.  If you’re in a home, relationship or friendship that feels toxic or abusive you aren’t horrible either.  You’re not horrible for asking for space, or time.   Those are perfectly reasonable things to ask in any friendship even if its on great terms.  You aren’t horrible for being honest, and you have every right to trust yourself, to know that you are worth putting first.

Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you are going through similar things, have questions or anything.

I’m also posting a blog later in the week answering your questions about Borderline Personality Disorder: ask away!

Thanks, as always for listening.  Reminder, if you’re looking for a way to support me in this journey of mine, consider using the ‘buy me a coffee’ button on the right hand side (or bottom of the screen if you’re on a phone)

<3

Over and out.

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