Well, thank you again for your patience, I just got back from training and am settling into real life again. I am so dedicated to you guys that I am currently writing the iPad keyboard…like the touch screen one. Soooo there ya go.
Little catch up, flow teacher training was amazing full of connection, and it was so inspiring. It was physically and emotionally difficult but I loved every minute of it. I also got to spend some time with amazing friends and have a few dates with a true gentleman while I was there. I’m back now had a weekend full of friends, though it has been rough to adjust to real life. The one year mark is coming up for when I stood up to abuse, and distanced myself from my family. Which is unreal and I can’t really believe it.
I was just watching friends, and was on that episode where Chandler talks to his mom and they yell and everything at each other and when she leaves she said she loves him. Kinda brought up some feels. I know my situation was different of course. I didn’t have a conversation in person, but it never would have been safe for me to do so. I mean I tested the water with smaller things, less scary things: feeling sad, feeling like she never listened to me vs my sister, but I always left those conversations feeling awful. Either there would be a comment like ‘well you’ve always been sensitive’ or she would in another way show me she didn’t hear me. Anyway, I’m really glad that I did it on here, though maybe not easy for them at all, I was blown away from the amount of support that was shown by all of you. Gaslighting was a big problem for me when I was open about it, and I think me saying it on here vs to their face one on one made probably a massive difference. If I had said it to them in person, judging by how they took it, it would have been worse, I would have been made to feel wrong, and like I was the problem. I wouldn’t have been heard, and I would have been made to feel guilty, and honestly I don’t think I could have handled that. We wont go further into this what if scenario but I just want to express my gratitude. You all reminded me that I am allowed to have a voice, I am allowed to tell my story. That I had nothing to feel ashamed over. So over the past year I have redefined the word family, and realized that it, just like any other relationship has to be a two way street, it has to be earned and deserved. That I, nor does anyone else deserve to be treated poorly or abused by anyone. Even if its by their ‘family’.
So to me now, family means people who love you and support you so much it kind of astounds you. (Or me anyway). You know what I mean? Those people who when you fuck up or feel awful they still care and love just as much as the did when you were at your best. They are the ones rooting for your growth, rooting for you and cheering on in everything you do. They are the ones who you can let your guard down around, who you feel safe in all ways around. You can be yourself, you feel supported and you feel at home. I’ve been lucky that I have found family in some amazing friends. This year has taught me that I never deserve to be taken advantage of, and that I deserve friends who honestly care and aren’t complete dicks, so I got rid of the ones who made me feel awful, and concentrated on the ones who built me up. What a difference it has made. I am blown away daily by support and kindness. So I am declaring September 7 Family Day from now on. (I mean for me) because though it was the day my entire life fell apart, it was also the day that: I stood up for my own worth, I started to learn who I am, I started to let myself be myself, I learned to stop holding back, I learned what love actually means, I stood my ground, I learned the meaning of family, and it was the start of a massive growth.
That all said, this year I’ve been learning a lot about my family in terms of like…extended family, my family tree and learning about my dad a lot which is amazing. I got closer with my grandfather, I got to know my amazing Aunt better, and some cousins. I’ve learned about my family’s history (we are talking like 1899 history). I want to keep all this going, and I also have a few other plans for the future. Or dreams in some cases cuz money.
-I want to learn more about trauma and yoga
-I want to get a half sleeve on my left arm so that the tattoo for my family isn’t by itself anymore
-I’m thinking of changing my first and second name (I’m going to think about it for a long time first). Its to reclaim myself, a separation from the abuse in a more concrete way
-continue being honest, talking about my story
-maybe write a book (?!?!)
There are a few other things, but some are unrelated and some I don’t wanna share yet.
You are all amazing. And there a few things I really want to be clear about:
-no one has the right to abuse you
-emotional abuse is a thing
-gaslighting takes a long time to recover from
-yes, you are strong enough
-it’s okay to cut out your abusers, even if they are connected by blood
Apparently I’m all about lists today.
Alright that’s it for now,
If you are interested in supporting me in this project and upcoming projects please consider buying me a coffee:
Buy me a Coffee
If you want to see my post from a year ago click here:
(Involuntary) Emotional Abuse