Friends are hard. So painfully raw, vulnerable, and they have the power to trigger so many emotional ghosts, leaving you(me, in this case) like Im never good enough. And you know what? My heart hurts. I feel like its sinking down, drowning, like its being crushed into a million pieces. I cant shake it, I can’t escape it. I wake up most of the time with it like painful alarm holding me down to the bed. Because it hurts to move.
To be honest theres a lot of fuel. But the spark for the fire, currently, is me feeling this gigantic inability to keep friends. Two friends that I recently lost keep popping into my head like the ghosts of friendship past, and being not good enough. Friend number one and I were really close, he meant so much to me, I loved and cherished. He and I lived together, thats how we met, I leant him a lot of money, which I now regret. When I moved cities our friendship started to rely on text conversation and phone. But communication was hard because we spoke two entirely different emotional languages. He constantly made me feel invalidated and no matter how I tried to fix it we always ended up at square one. There was one night, when we talked on the phone that made me so hopeful, everything would change, bebetter. He listened, he sympathized, we met in the middle. I think I relied to heavily on him, I didnt/dont always know how to soothe myself (not exactly a skill I was ever taught) and I too often put more weight on him than i should have. But i didnt know, i didnt know how to survive another way, i didnt have the skills (sometimes still don’t) to always act like a “normal” person when im upset. I went to visit thr town he lives in and he wouldn’t see me. My heart broke into a bunch of pieces and no matter what I do he wont talk to me unless its money related. Friend number two I dont know what happened, he just stopped talking to me. When I dont have the chance to meet or talk it out, be straightforward, honest, open…I self destruct. I have been dwelling and going over every detail in my head picking out all the reasons Im a shitty person, or a shitty friend. Anytime i get sad i go back to the conversation with an ex-friend, i reread it. I send more messages, I beg forgiveness, I put myself down. Even when the friendship ending wasnt my fault. When one happens, my brain says ‘oh, since youre here lets bring out this huge laundry list of people who left you because you werent good enough. I start to get self destructive urges past self-talk; but more commonly I think that I shouldnt try having friends because Im not good enough to have anyone love me or close to me. I think sometimes that people would be better off if I didnt exist.
For me, having friendships, relationships with people is hard with borderline personality disorder. To be ‘brutally honest’ most people arent understanding in action. By that i mean a lot of people say they are, but when it comes down to it theyll jump to the easier conclusion for the reason of my behaviour than the real one. For example they think: im acting clingy. Whats happening: im scared shitless that youre going to leave. Im scared youre going to give up onbeing my friend if you find out who i really am, how i really feel. I dont know what to do to express this, or my anxiety and fear so i reach out. I also feel very very deeply. Not your average sensitive person. Marsha Lineman (someone that has done a lot of great work with therapy and borderline personality disorder) likens people with BPD to third degree burn patients. Its like having a 3rd degree burn all over your body, the slightest touch can hurt. My moods and interests and mind change a lot, and very quickly at times. Most people dont take the time to ask why before they judge, or say comments like “youre overreacting” “stop being so sensitive” “oh you know how you get” “could be worse ” or get frustrsted at me.
If you have a friend that has borderline be patient. Take a breath before you judge them or say something that might be insensitive and ask why, whats going on. Chances are its deeper; like these situations with my friends. Its reminding me of constantly being left, or losing people, and feeling completely alone growing up. Never being sure who I could trust or for how long Id feel loved by them before they would turn on me. It doesnt make it less painful knowing this, but its helpful so I can face it and accept it. Sometimes. And this isnt something I just do once. Its something I have to face over and over again.
So be patient. With yourself, with the ones you love, reach out and be kind. Give each other a hug. And no matter how many times your brain tries to tell you youre not good enough? Tell it to fuck off.
Thank you for listening, and post after post allowing me to be brutally honest, allowing me a safe space, for participating in this blooming community, and for helping me create this blog officially. This is my first post with my very own domain name.
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Over and out