Poetry (from a 13 year old)

This fucking week. My god. It was one of those weeks where one thing happened after another after another and by the end I’m here like “Is this some kind of joke? How did this all happen in one week? Like what the actual fuck. Anyway, I dug up one of my old poetry journals from when I was a kid, and I thought I’d share some today. Give a bit of insight into my early mind, trauma, emotional abuse and pain. A lot of it is depressing, you can see how much pain I was in, even as a kid, so brace your beautiful selves.

This first one is called ‘Lost in the Roses’, it was actually part of my very first song I ever wrote, but the song grew and the words were edited out.
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Aftershock

There seems to be this misconception that you stand up to abuse, and everything’s fine after that.  You know, you have this big break through, you stand up to your abusers, tell them you deserve better, and thats that. No one talks about the aftershock, honestly no one really talks about it at all.  Its not something that is easily understood at all, and there are a lot of strong beliefs on the subject.  You grow up being told that your family always have your back, you trust them implicitly, they’re our first heros.  We are told that family is the most important thing, but what kinds of lines do we draw if they emotionally abuse us?  Its hard to talk about, partially because I feel so vulnerable, scared, alone, but also because I at times feel like I can’t trust my own reality or memory.  I worry that people will see me as a monster, when in reality, I just decided to stop letting myself be abused, and set new healthier boundaries for myself.

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Emotional Whiplash

Fuck.  This is a hard one.  A risky one, and a long one.  Life has been hard, all over the place.  As you know, if you’ve been reading, I’m kind of going through a huge loss, a huge life event.  (Revisit Involuntary Emotinal Abuse, if you need a reminder). I spoke up about something really hard, and though the post is done, my life is still messy.  I feel like I have emotional whiplash some days, from the amount of stuff I’m feeling, how often I change moods, how deeply I feel it all.  Some days are better than others, usually when I’m out and around people I feel better, but when I am home and alone it all hits me like a ton of bricks.  My eating and sleeping has been all out of whack, which of course effects me emotionally.  I am getting my period (yes, I’m being honest about that too, deal with it) which makes shit a lot worse.  I feel awful today, and a bad day at work doesn’t help.  I drank 2 glasses of wine as soon as I came in the door, thats how bad work was (someone shit on the floor, like….it was really bad).  Some days, like today, I have this general overall feeling of not wanting to exist.  Its a really strong, awful feeling that eats away at you from the inside out.  I wish, today, that I’d just never been born, and think that that would have been easier,  I wouldn’t have been such a burden on my family, I wouldn’t have been such a burden on my friends. I keep on fucking trucking, but man it is so exhausting to feel that for days at a time and have to pretend I’m fine, or just do everyday tasks feels like running a marathon.
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Who I am(?)

For as long as I can remember, I have had no idea who I am, and I didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin.  My style has changed for as long as remember, being influenced by those who I spend the most time with, or didn’t feel as good as.   I have avoided clothes that I liked, because I didn’t that I was good enough to wear them.  In my darker anorexic days I would wear lots of layers of clothes to hide myself, but even recently I would wear clothes that are loose, or that I could just disappear in, so that no one would notice me.  If I hung around someone more materialistic I would do my makeup even when I didn’t want to, I would wear clothes they would wear.  When I got into yoga I wore only ‘yogi’ or hippie ish clothes.  There is nothing at all wrong with doing those things, but it just didn’t feel like me all the time.  Its more than just clothes too, my whole sense of self changes, down to my hobbies.   If you looked at my bedroom you’d see evidence of so many different interests, all over the map, some of which I actively am interested in, others that I haven’t really touched lately, its phase ran out.    This ended up making me feel really unsure of myself, no sense of self is a symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder, we are often referred to as chamillions, and it can be really frustrating, and disheartening because you have this feeling like you’re….unbalanced or without roots.  I’m not really sure how to describe the feeling honestly.  I never really figured out who I was, what style I was, what I valued, what I wanted to spend my time doing.  Partially because my grandmother picked out my clothes until I was way too old, but also because I never really felt safe to take time to figure out who ‘me’ was.  Turns out, standing up to the emotional/psychological abuse was what I needed to start to create my own ‘safe space’ and start to allow myself to find out. Continue reading “Who I am(?)”

Suicidal Ideation

Happy Saturday y’all.   This post is going to be a kind of two part deal.  I’m going to talk about suicidal ideation (trigger warning right now)  I’ll fill you in on whats been going on with the family stuff, which I’ve been keeping a lot to myself because its really been very hard.  I have been avoiding putting it up because I’ve been afraid of them reading it, afraid that being open about this situation will create a greater divide in my family, and end in me losing more people.  But I’ve been thinking about other people in similar situations and that I would want them to know they aren’t alone, and I’d tell them its okay to talk about it, and that their story deserves being told.  So here we go, honestly at this point if you don’t like it, fuck off and read something else.  You clicked on this, you read the title its brutally honest.  And its just that. Honest, my honest, my story.  All situations are two sided, and if you’ve been reading the last few blogs you know that I have been as compassionate and kind and empathetic as I know how in this situation.  So here we go.

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To Answer Your Questions

So last week I asked if you had any questions about Borderline Personality Disorder, today I will answer them to the best of my abilities.   Im going to try and do this kind of post every so often, sk if you ever do have questions, ask away!  This took a bit longer than I had anticipated, and I do apologize for that.  I have been working about 50+ hours a week, I had a cold, and have trouble sleeping so I kept coming home from work and just slept/was lazy.  As some of you know, I’ve also been going through a rough patch, which youre welcome to ask about, but for now I am not going to post about it.  Im currently posting using my phone, sitting by the water (my favourite place) and I’m ready and excited to answer your questions.

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My Guarded Heart (asking for space)

There is a tightness in my chest that wont go away no matter how deeply I inhale.  Its been there a long time, its like armour, guarding my heart from pain and intruders.  It has kept me safe for as long as I remember, from the abuse of those around me, from all the people who died, who left, all the times my heart was broken.  It is part of what keeps me distant from the world, if I don’t let myself love, be loved, or be vulnerable it reduces the chances that my heart will be broken again.  Now I’m ready to be open, and this blog helps me so  much to do that.  I am glad to be helping people.  I wanted to talk about asking for space in relationships, and a bit of a check in from the other week.  Continue reading “My Guarded Heart (asking for space)”

Emotional Tool Belt

Lets take a break today from the hard, raw emotional shit and talk a little about things that may (or may not) help you when you’re in a bad place.  I am not trained in any of this, I am merely going to give you a few ideas that have helped me and continue to help me.  That being said this list could be endless, but given some recent life events, and some feedback from other people it seems like we all might be having a bit of a hard time for one reason or another.   For this reason I’m going to concentrate on things to do when life gets really rough, really dark and small tasks alone are hard to complete.  I found it really helpful to create myself an emotional tool belt, if you will, full of things that help.  Sometimes they made me feel better, but at the very least they kept me going.

When you are already in a bad place it is really hard to see the things you are accomplishing, its easier to get caught up in the “not enough” train of thought.  I call this first tool Counting Victories.   I used two mason jars (just make sure you can see inside them) and I bedazzled the shit out of them.  On one I wrote ‘little’, and the other I wrote ‘big’.  Little was for little victories such as: brushing teeth, getting out of bed, washing my face, doing makeup, being early/on time for work, flossing my teeth, putting 5 things away, talking to a friend.  Big victories was things like: leaving the house, spending time cleaning, doing dishes, showering, excersizing, eating, standing up for myself (that was considered huge for me).   You can make your own list of things and actually have them written out if that helps you,  I had explained this idea to a few friends who would occasionally ask about them, and sometimes they would suggest a larger sum for the victories.  So, I used change in mine, but you could use marbles, any kind of small item, just try and have a difference between the little and big items.  Little was 5 or 10 cents (depending on how hard that task was that day), and big was anywhere from 25 cents to a dollar.  This tool was massively helpful, because on those days I felt like I hadn’t accomplished anything I’d do this and see the amount of money was going into my jar.  I kept it all in the jars and let it build up, but you could swap it out every day if you wanted to really see that build up of things.  We often don’t give ourselves enough credit for doing all these small things when they can be extremely hard and exhausting to accomplish.

Tool number two was one that I picked up from a therapy group, and I don’t know what they named it, but lets just call it an Emotional First Aid Kit. Now, the things that go into this are extremely individual, and like the last one I suggest setting it up when you are in a more stable ‘wise mind’ type of place.  So do some digging and make a list of things that comfort you, smells, sounds, tastes, activities (healthy ones please), and put them in a box.  You can cover this box with photos, or quotes that make you happy: animals, destinations, empowering or inspiring quotes.  I’ll give you an idea of some things that are in mine.  A little notebook and my favourite pen, some old photos and drawings that make me smile, word searches, a lip gloss that I like the smell of, tea, a candle, a list of activities like: go for a walk, watch a funny animal video, play piano, go to yoga, go to the gym.  A tiny wee stuffed animal that I love the texture of.  An elastic (I’ll get to that one in a second), a little list of happy memories, a list of people to call (thats actually not in it, but I should add it).   So get creative! Add as many things as you want, go for things that occupy your mind, or your senses.

These last two tools are smaller, take less work but I find them really helpful.  One is when I’m feeling paticularly bad I wear an elastic around my wrist and it serves several purposes.  One is occupying my hands when I start to get anxious or worked up, I’ll play with it or twirl it in my hands and it helps keep me grounded in the moment.  Another is when I am feeling very depressed and destructive, and have urges to self-harm I will snap it on my wrist to create just a little sting.   The last one is actually an app that I downloaded months ago that I found has been really helpful and its called ‘Virtual Hope Box’.  Its free and it has games, meditations, and a bunch of things that are helpful.  I actually have a little folder on my phone called ‘Distress Tolerance’ with apps that help me when I’m in a bad place-an Emotional Tool Box for my phone/to go if you will.   (Disclaimer: I am not being paid to tell you about this app, I just found it really helpful)

Those are a few things that have helped me a lot.  If there is anything that you like please leave a comment below! I love new ideas, and I’m sure it would be helpful to everyone else reading this too!

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Too Damn Much

Today was one of those damn days: everything is harder to accomplish, your body hurts, you want to cry for no (or every) reason, and every little thing goes wrong. For some kind of inexplicable reason.  Just too damn much to carry around with you, and you just end up snapping, crying, getting hysterical, or somehow keeping it together until you can hide in your bed with a glass of wine, and a to do list you’re choosing to ignore.

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