This post has by far been the hardest one to try and put into words. Be patient, and try and to set aside judgment.
I spent most of the day sad, sleeping, or crying. I did go see my moms dog (always helps), and go to yoga (holy fuck I love it so much, its my home) and I feel better now, but this morning, I felt horrible. It was interpersonal stuff. I feel like, right now, most people I’m starting to feel close to are either moving, or have ended the friendship, or hurt me. I feel really alone. So, I thought I would try and explain to you or, let you see a little of the darkness that happens in situations like this.
‘”They say, you’re a little much for me,
You’re a liability.
You’re a little much for me”
So I pull back, make other plans, I understand,
I’m a liability,
I’m a little much for everyone’
(Lorde – Liability)
Imagine friendships like sitting on a row boat. Not just one friendship, all of them. Every time that one friendship develops an issue, like someone letting me down and then ‘ghosting’ me, is like you throwing a cinder block off that boat and it starts to rock. Sometimes it feels as though multiple cinder blocks are thrown off at the same time, and the boat rocks so much that it tips over, or it sinks all together. Friendship, for me, is a scary dark path sometimes. Interpersonally, is the only place you’d see my borderline. I hide it fairly well (not on purpose), and I’ve done a ton of healing. But in friendships, I can be triggered in so many areas, my fear or abandonment comes up, my attachment issues, and because I feel so isolated and deeply alone so often, I can sometimes cling on in hopes I don’t feel that alone again. I give a whole bunch of undeserved hope into the person before I even know them. Unfortunately, I for a long time let myself get treated horribly, so these fears are pretty deep, and a sometimes I feel like those lyrics are how all people see me, whether they show it or not. ‘You’re a little much for me, you’re a liability’. Generally my emotional self is way too intense for someone, or I am far “too sensitive”. Usually the attachment stuff is triggered by a paticular personality type that might be similar to someone in my past. Or, by something, whether it be a lack of response, or I’ve convinced myself somehow (I can usually find tons of reasons why, stupid brain) that you would rather not have me in my life.
I am a complicated person, in a way. Though, generally speaking if you are straight forward and open with me, its easy to understand me and get along with me. I need to face and talk about issues I might have, feelings that may have been hurt, otherwise they will eat me alive, and it will escalate. If I were a die I would have multiple sides, I don’t know how many, but there are different versions of me depending on who I am with, and where I am. There are exceptions to this for sure. There are very few people that I have been able to show all of those sides to. I can be really goofy, really serious, really sassy, bubbly, laid back, more materialistic, less materialistic, emotional, philosophical. Some people see a lot of the serious and emotional sides of me. Generally it all comes out with time, but the trouble is, most people seem to get stuck on the emotional side, and quit there, because its “a little too much”. And it leaves me feeling like its my fault. Throughought my life I have messed up my fair share of friendships, but I have also had a lot of people quit on me, because of this illness, or depression, or just the fact that I’m so sensitive. Currently, there is a list in my head of people who are more on the ‘non-friend’ spectrum of things. A few people who stopped answering me when I tried to be upfront about my hurt feelings, who don’t ever put time into talking to me, unless I talk to them, one or two who out right said some of the meanest things to me I’ve ever heard. There are some that are in a grey area, there are some from months ago, most honestly. Its to the point where most people probably would have moved on. But I keep replaying the friendship in my head looking for the place I went wrong. When I have bad days, or when yet another friendship has a problem I add it to the list of reasons why I can’t seem to keep anyone close to me. I text too much, I don’t text enough, I’m too emotional, too selfish, a downer, a bad person. The list is endless, and its so easy for me to get stuck there, under that stupid row boat, and drown feeling so alone, because sometimes it feels like everyone else would be better off not being friends with me. Like I don’t deserve to be loved, I don’t deserve to have friends. The person that told me I was an “over dramatic queen” must have been right, the person who told me I have not grown at all, and that I’m stuck in my own sap story, that I’m selfish, and a horrible person, they must be right. That must be why blank person stopped talking to me. They saw that all in me, and knew I wasn’t worth it.
Well, thats not all of it, but thats a sneak preview into some of the darkness in my head.
Pointers: avoid saying things like ‘let it go’, ‘oh well’, ‘stop being so sensitive’, don’t take everything so personally’ to someone with BPD after they tell you about something going on in their life. . Maybe even to most people. But to me, when you say that, it makes me feel like none of the feelings I told you about matter, that Im weak for feeling them, that I’m broken, that I’m a burden, that it and I don’t matter. Even if you don’t ‘mean it that way’, its like throwing a glass of water in my face, it feels insulting, and hurts.
If I as you if we are okay, don’t get mad. I’m trying to ease a circular storm thats brewing, and I need some kind of external validation because I’m so deep I can’t see whats up or down. If I ask you if we are okay answer honestly, if we are, keep it simple.
It also helps if you remind me you care. Especially after I’ve poured out my heart, or opened up about emotions. I’m not looking for you to fix me, I just want you to listen. Listen, and remind me you care tell me it will be okay.
Well, thats it for now I have to be up early. I’m really nervous about this one, because I’m afraid people will read this and just think I’m crazy, but, well, I told you I’d be brutally honest.