I never know how to start these. Do I say hi? Howdy? Ask about you though you wont be able to answer cuz this is through text? Anyway, its done now, off we go.
I have spoken a lot about some deep, dark things and don’t get me wrong, there is a lot. And there will be more. But I wanted to take a wee break from the dark and scary and talk about the good. All too often we get stuck on all the ‘bad’ parts of mental illness. We get stuck on the stigma, on the raw, grating monsters involved; we are so damn hungry for it. We can be so quick to judge someone sometimes based on something like an illness. How insane is that? Illness implies that its not something you are choosing. Its something you can’t help, you were born with, or nurtured into, a chemical imbalance. Its not a choice. So here, beautiful readers, are some things I’m pretty proud of, benefits, if you will, of Borderline.
First of all, I am so empathetic. I feel extremely deeply, I’m really sensitive, and that at times allows me to feel other peoples feelings without a word said. It allows me to connect with complete strangers. It helps me to feel so deeply, and yes while there are times thats so god damn hard, there are times its from something good. When someone tells me, for example, some good thing thats happened in their lives I am literally in tears, TEARS of joy for them. For an emotion that is not even mine. When I see baby animals my body vibrates with happiness. When a friend does something small like write me a little note saying they are proud of me, I cry because it means so much to me. You could say I’m an emotional lightweight. And I wouldn’t change that for the world.
I tend to worry, and get paranoid at times (a whole other post), but something I’ve learned that helps me with this is being open. While I don’t do this with everyone, I don’t tell everyone my life story (though….I guess I kind of am now eh?) I don’t hide anymore. I have no shame in being diagnosed with Borderline, Depression or that I’m pansexual, or that I’m a little awkward at times, and I fumble my words around. I am also open about whats going on with me interpersonally, I have a whole song written about how I don’t do ‘hard to get games’. I don’t pick up on subtle hints that someone likes me, but I will pick them up if you’re in a bad mood or mad (and sometimes have a hard time telling which is which). While that causes socially awkward moments, and anxiety at times, I am always as honest as I can be. I really value honesty and openness in others as well, so extra points here, if you are. Its SO much easier for us to communicate this way. I also really enjoy reminding people how much they mean to me on occasion. I don’t do this often, mostly when it strikes me, but I try not to hold back. I’ve lived through too many moments where either I regret not telling someone before they died or with someone had told me.
I am constantly on a path of learning more about myself, how to better take care of myself, push myself out of my comfort zone, be more mindful. NONE of this would have happened if it weren’t for my illness. While at times in the past its been to a destructive extent, when its healthily used, its a great thing. Its a huge motivator, and has helped me grow so much.
These are just a few things, and as always they are specific to me, but they are things I love about myself. Things that I know I learned through having a mental illness. The biggest thing its helped me to do is to own my shit. When I screw up, I really really try to admit it. And own my shit also in the sense that I am not ashamed of who I am. I am not ashamed that my life has taken me on a rocky hilly, hard path and I came out bruised. You know why? Its not my fault. Owning it is the only way I can look at whats going on and say “okay how can I heal this now”. Because, ultimately, this next part is up to me. I am figuratively shouting to the world that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and I don’t give a crap what that makes you think of me. Thats on you.
There ya go, a hopeful, happy post mixed in with all the rest.
I continue to be blown away by your support in reading this.
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Over and out,