BPD, friends, and never feeling good enough

Friends are hard.  So painfully raw, vulnerable, and they have the power to trigger so many emotional ghosts, leaving you(me, in this case) like Im never good enough.   And you know what? My heart hurts.  I feel like its sinking down, drowning, like its being crushed into a million pieces. I cant shake it, I can’t escape it.  I wake up most of the time with it like painful alarm holding me down to the bed.  Because it hurts to move.
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Personality (Disorder) Wardrobe

Think of all of the little pieces of your personality, of you.  Think of all the contradictory parts, the values the interests, the habits.   Now imagine that they are a wardrobe.  Your job merits an outfit: maybe you leave the party pants at home, and bring along your passion, or your creativity instead.  Most people have a few items they might switch up, but generally you know, you have a sense of self, you know your values, your dislikes, your fears, passions.  Borderline personality disorder sometimes feels like some asshole with a can of paint and scissors tripped and tripled your wardrobe. Continue reading “Personality (Disorder) Wardrobe”

Sleepless

Last night I woke up several times from nightmares, only I didn’t wake up screaming, I woke up feeling so sad I could never describe it with words.  It felt like a piece of me was missing,  like I had just lost everything I cared about, and the only way I could feel any ease in it was to hug a pillow.  For as long as I can remember I’ve not been able to sleep without hugging a pillow, it helped me feel that I wasn’t so alone.  I used to sit awake at night for hours because I felt so isolated, sad and alone; I used to sleep walk, sleep talk, have nightmares, and I did for as long as I can remember.  I didn’t know how to soothe myself, and I didn’t know how to make the pain go away, and I was on my own to figure it out.
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Summer and scars

Oh Summer.  A time that while on one hand great for your mental health because of all the sun and all that, also can be so hard because you’re forced to face other demons.  They might be having to wear clothes that might reveal the “flawed” parts, or clothing that reveals scars.  Sometimes it feels like a choice between being sweaty gross and uncomfortable, or cooler but still hot, gross, and uncomfortable.
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Its my fault

Another year older, and I’m not really sure how I feel.  I can’t remember if I wrote this, I believe I did, but that when I was a kid I’d say “I’m not growing up, Peter Pans going to get me and I’m going to Neverneverland.”? Part of that was because I didn’t think I’d make it through, I didn’t want to even try, I was convinced that if life got harder than it was then (as I was constantly told), I didn’t want to go through with it.  Every year on my birthday I would feel such a sense of panic, and guilt, and confusion. I felt so anxious a lot of the time, the idea of celebrating a life I didn’t even want to live felt selfish.
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The Benefits of Borderline

I never know how to start these. Do I say hi?  Howdy? Ask about you though you wont be able to answer cuz this is through text? Anyway, its done now, off we go. 

I have spoken a lot about some deep, dark things and don’t get me wrong, there is a lot. And there will be more.  But I wanted to take a wee break from the dark and scary and talk about the good.  All too often we get stuck on all the ‘bad’ parts of mental illness.  We get stuck on the stigma, on the raw, grating monsters involved; we are so damn hungry for it.  We can be so quick to judge someone sometimes based on something like an illness.  How insane is that?  Illness implies that its not something you are choosing.  Its something you can’t help, you were born with, or nurtured into, a chemical imbalance.  Its not a choice.  So here, beautiful readers, are some things I’m pretty proud of, benefits, if you will, of Borderline. 
First of all, I am so empathetic.  I feel extremely deeply, I’m really sensitive, and that at times allows me to feel other peoples feelings without a word said.  It allows me to connect with complete strangers.  It helps me to feel so deeply, and yes while there are times thats so god damn hard, there are times its from something good.  When someone tells me, for example, some good thing thats happened in their lives I am literally in tears, TEARS of joy for them.  For an emotion that is not even mine.  When I see baby animals my body vibrates with happiness.  When a friend does something small like write me a little note saying they are proud of me, I cry because it means so much to me.  You could say I’m an emotional lightweight.  And I wouldn’t change that for the world.  
I tend to worry, and get paranoid at times (a whole other post), but something I’ve learned that helps me with this is being open.  While I don’t do this with everyone, I don’t tell everyone my life story (though….I guess I kind of am now eh?) I don’t hide anymore.  I have no shame in being diagnosed with Borderline, Depression or that I’m pansexual, or that I’m a little awkward at times, and I fumble my words around.  I am also open about whats going on with me interpersonally, I have a whole song written about how I don’t do ‘hard to get games’.  I don’t pick up on subtle hints that someone likes me, but I will pick them up if you’re in a bad mood or mad (and sometimes have a hard time telling which is which). While that causes socially awkward moments, and anxiety at times, I am always as honest as I can be.  I really value honesty and openness in others as well, so extra points here, if you are.  Its SO much easier for us to communicate this way.  I also really enjoy reminding people how much they mean to me on occasion.  I don’t do this often, mostly when it strikes me, but I try not to hold back.  I’ve lived through too many moments where either I regret not telling someone before they died or with someone had told me.  
I am constantly on a path of learning more about myself, how to better take care of myself, push myself out of my comfort zone, be more mindful.  NONE of this would have happened if it weren’t for my illness.  While at times in the past its been to a destructive extent, when its healthily used, its a great thing.  Its a huge motivator, and has helped me grow so much.  
These are just a few things, and as always they are specific to me, but they are things I love about myself.  Things that I know I learned through having a mental illness.  The biggest thing its helped me to do is to own my shit.  When I screw up, I really really try to admit it. And own my shit also in the sense that I am not ashamed of who I am.  I am not ashamed that my life has taken me on a rocky hilly, hard path and I came out bruised.  You know why? Its not my fault. Owning it is the only way I can look at whats going on and say “okay how can I heal this now”. Because, ultimately, this next part is up to me.  I am figuratively shouting to the world that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and I don’t give a crap what that makes you think of me.  Thats on you.  
There ya go, a hopeful, happy post mixed in with all the rest.  
I continue to be blown away by your support in reading this.  
I made a few changes so you can now email-subscribe on the left side menu, and check back through old posts easier. Take a peek around, subscribe, comment, and share with whoever.  
Over and out,
Borderline Babe. 

Dark pages (tw talk of suicide)

This one, my friends, is going to be dark, heavy, and sad.  Warning you now.  Also you are not allowed to get mad at me for telling you this: that wont help anyone. Don’t be a dink. Yes, I’ve felt suicidal. So that all being said, if you want to continue reading, take a deep breath, hug your cat, and read on.

A good friend of mine, the other day, compared people to books; I have been thinking about it since.  On the outside we can show whatever cover we want, we can change the picture, we can change the size, the dimensions, even edit the little blurb on the back: you can show on the outside whatever you want.  No matter what you do, dwhich parts of you you hide away from the world, as you open that cover who you really are is written in all those words on all those pages.  Pages that keep getting written every day, and don’t get me wrong, you have kind of a magic spell over the pen writing the words down as you go along, but ultimately a lot of it is out of your control.  All we can do is chose how deal with it, how we grow, to embrace our dark pages, those ‘flawed’ pages, and keep trying to write a great ending.  Don’t take that to mean you should only be happy for all those pages, because that would be a horrible book.  You’d get bored right away, you couldn’t appreciate the good without the bad.  You wouldn’t learn that important lesson, or meet that certain someone or whatever cheesy ending is in all those books you read.  My own book has its fair share of dark pages, honestly though my book would be more heavily weighed on the dark pages like a Dickens book. (Fun fact, my fave author)  A dark book that I have read through and tried to heal and deal with in every way I know how.    There are a lot of points in my story where I didn’t think I would make it through to the next chapter, the next page, or even the next sentence.   Most of the time I was growing up I didn’t think I’d ever even get this far.  When people would ask ‘what do you want to do when you grow up’ a lot of the time I’d say “I wont, Peter Pan is going to come find me and take me to Neverneverland”.  On some level, I knew if this was how bad it is to be a kid, I did not want to grow old, I didn’t think I could possibly make it through the pain to get there.  I have felt suicidal many many times throughout my life.  Even more I’ve thought about how I wish I didn’t exist, I didn’t think I made any difference to anyone by existing, I felt that everyone would be better off without me.  Feeling suicidal, you may judge, is selfish.  But in those moments, it feels like its for everyone else’s good.  I used to walk home from school/choir and walk over the bridge and picture myself jumping off of it in the middle of winter when it would be far too cold to swim.  These feelings still happen now and then.  I promise you I don’t have a plan, and its not something I would do.  Just those feelings of wishing I didn’t exist.  I can’t really help them, they’re usually when I’m in a low spot.  They’re getting better now that I am doing something I love, and now that I’ve cut out most of those shitty, toxic friends.  I am not usually good at asking for help, I’m not good at being direct when I’m in this place, and to be honest with you, even when I was direct a lot of the people I reached out to didn’t help.  The last time this happened I lost a friend.  I walked around by the water trying my hardest to breathe, to try and ease the intense pain that no words could describe.  I texted about 10 people, most brushed me off, some didn’t answer.  No one asked if I was okay, no one texted back the next day to check in.  It made me feel like I was right, no one cared if I existed or not.  That I really am a burden, a broken shell of a person.   When I’m in a better place, I know that this monster of an illness can be so convincing with its horrible ‘truths’.  I know it can convince you that you don’t belong, that you aren’t loved, that you arent’ enough, that no one cares.   I promise you that its wrong.  Its so, so wrong.  That night I took a picture of where I was standing when I finally took a sip of air (still felt horrible) and posted it on a support group on fb with #madeit.  You will too, I promise.  Maybe we have met, maybe we haven’t, maybe you’re in some country so far away but no matter where it is, I care.  I care you exist.  I know how it feels. I promise you the people in your life do too, they just are standing on the wrong side of a  two way glass.  They want so badly to see you but all they can see is the reflection of the piece of yourself you show so well.  They don’t know how to help, help them to know.  All I ever really want when I’m in this place is to not be alone.  I want someone to say ‘I’m coming to meet you.’ Even if its just to hug me.  I want someone to listen, to call me, to just remind me they love me.  To ask if I’m okay, and then just validate it.  Not to fix me and tell me what I “should” and “shouldn’t” do.

Take a deep breath, this was a heavy one.
Love,

Borderline Babe

I hate you, don’t leave me

I know I can be hard to be around.  Its become a universal truth that few hesitate to nail to the ground.  ‘Thank god youre not depressed anymore now we can be friends’, ‘you’re an overdramatic queen’, ‘Im disappointed that you are still the same woe is me selfish girl I knew in highschool’, ‘you’re getting in the way’, ‘youre bringing me down’ (yes those were said to me)  They were follow ups after being reassured ‘dont worry i won’t leave you’ ‘i wouldn’t do that ‘ ‘i care about you, you dont deserve that’, ‘i understsnd and have empathy’.  I know that I am a different shade emotionally than most, that I can change really quickly, that my darks are really dark and my lights are really bright.  But that shouldn’t mean my paint pallate is any less important.  But Im told by those that Im close to that Im a little too much. You falsely promised that you will stick by me. I hate you for lying to me. I hate you for causing me to hope that I will finally be loved for me, then telling me that I am the reason you are leaving.  When really you weren’t brave enough to give me a chance.  A chance to see all my layers, all the parts of me.  You didnt reassure me when I started to feel like i wasnt good enough to deserve your time. So then I started to tail spin and you get mad that im upset.  I may be brutally honest but its not common that people actually listen, that people dont get scared and run away, calling me names for being a normal fucking human being, with feelings that make sense.
I hate you but dont leave me, because against all odds I still care about you, so much its a weakness. I care so much about everyone I let them get away with anything because “I understand what it feels like to be alone”. I hate you dont leave me because I only hate how you made me feel. Like you punched me in thr stomach then yelled at me for flinching.