Welcome to my blog where I am going to just tell it as it is, I’ll touch on weight issues, BPD, who knows what else, lets see what comes up shall we? I really want to open up about what its like to live with Borderline Personality Disorder because there seems to be this idea that people with BPD are violent, selfish, villains. Well, some might be, in the same way some people without BPD might be. So….here we go, I’m just going to go straight to pouring my heart all over this damn keyboard, and see what comes out. Judge me all you want, agree, disagree, but know that everything I say is truthful to my experience, my view, my feelings. (brutally honest). Maybe some of it will hurt to read, maybe some will make you think “oh no dont think that!” Well, I do, you might too. And thats okay. Thinking it, and being open about it is the first step in being able to heal it. So, y’know, deal. Also there will be swearing, knowing me.
I got rejected today…and the first thing I thought was “its because of my size”. If only I was skinny, people could look past my crazy, broken self, and still love me; but instead Im a lose lose situation. Im trying to work on intuitive eating, on being okay with my body. And I’m at the stage where all these beliefs connected with weight are screaming all the reasons I need to stop eating again. (This part will continue in posts to come, but im going to go off on a tangent here)
Up until recently, some the people that were close to me, people I thought were my friends, were people that made me feel crazy. People who I would apologize to for breathing, that I would feel I inconvenience just by existing, wanting them to like me, and asking for their attention, asking for their help. They would constantly say things like “You take everything so personally” “Calm down, why do you always overreact” “stop being so sensitive”. (Pro-life tip: Don’t say shit like this to someone with BPD. Maybe just dont say this at all? ) Last week I was in Guelph hanging out with some of my closest friends, and one of them said “Good friends will never let you apologize for yourself. “. This seemed to be a reoccurring theme throughout the week with my friends. (Alright, alright, I get the message) And I thought of how every friend I felt supported and loved by, every friend who made me feel good when I was around them, they never let me apologize for who I am. They never made me feel crazy, in fact they had loads of empathy for my situation, they could see why I acted the way I did, or felt the way I did. To them it was always okay to be me, feel my feelings. I had this huge epiphany that all those people who made me feel like that? THOSE were the friends. They were the people who I should be surrounding myself with. That all the people who put me down, make me feel like a disease, they’re not deserving of even being in my life. And yes I know the whole “Oh, but what if those people are having a hard time in their lives, they’re in pain, have sympathy”. Bullshit. Total bullshit, it doesn’t matter what on earth is going on in your life, it doesn’t give you an excuse to hurt anyone, treat them less than human, use them, abuse them. EVER. As someone who has had a lot of emotional/verbal abuse experience, it took me a while to get to this point, but honestly, its one of the things that was so important in my growth. Everyone fucks up sometimes, but you apologize, move on and try and do better. Its when its recurring youve gotta smarten up, deal with your shit. Being a decent human being, treating the people im your life with love and respect literally costs you nothing. See, even though feelings may feel “bad”, feelings themselves are not bad. They are so good; So good for you, if you don’t feel them, they’ll just come back in another way. They will eat you alive, they will make themselves known. Being sensitive is something Ive come to like about myself. So much tells us that being sensitive is bad, and while its inconvenient at times, it’s a beautiful thing. It allows me to connect better to those around me, to feel intense amount of joy, intense amounts of pain, intense amount of happiness, sadness, goofiness.. It all balances out.
Alright, well, there we go. Blog post one. Done. and so so scary. Do me a favour, and if you’re in my life and think maybe this is about you. Know that this isn’t. This is purely me letting out my story, my feelings, my view. Think of me what you will, just be a decent human about it.
Over and out,