Did you miss me?
I feel all re-inspired and rested and have a lot I want to talk about, but thats not what I’m going to talk about. I’m going to go on a lil’ rant just for your reading pleasure. Well, if I’m being entirely honest its for a selfish reason, as I just feel like going on a rant. So get. Ready.
ALRIGHT, ready, set.
Looking back, I showed signs of being emotionally abused, and dealing with trauma like right fucking early. (Yeah, its going to be one of those posts) How none of the teachers, or people in my life noticed is a lil’ beyond me, but that is not my point here. My point is that because all this was happening I was different. I was different than my peers in my reactions, my sensitivity, my ability to be assertive, to speak, to be myself. The world is not always kind to those who are fighting through all of that. Whether you have good intentions or not, sometimes (often) people judge. They judge an overreaction as ‘too much work’ or ‘clingy’, or us being silent as us being ‘quiet/introverted’. If you look at my life like a movie ( UM JUST a side note, if my life were a movie Regina Spektor would play me thank you VERY much) look past this one incident, look past this still frame and look at the whole plot. You start to see that I’m reacting like this because this is how I’ve been taught. Some of my mannerisms were learned because thats what I had to do to survive. I’m quiet because I was never allowed to speak, and I learned that it was safer to be quiet, not be noticed or seen. I can react strongly sometimes because 20 plus years of being told that people don’t really care about me, they’re using me, that I’m useless, not worth listening to, not good enough not only doesn’t disappear quickly, it also doesn’t discriminate against potetial threats. So be fucking patient will ya? Don’t judge someone because they were having a hard time with something, ESPECIALLY if that something was say prompted by you cancelling plans, or saying a phrase you thought would be teasing but it really actually hit a nerve and triggered someone. Not everyone reacts differently and you never know what people have lived through and fought through with every single fibre of their being and strength, so yeah maybe this paticular thing makes them cry, but so what? How the hell are they supposed to learn what a healthy relationship (not necessarily romantic) is if no one sticks around to show them. Yes, I know as I’m saying this that it also takes a lot of personal strength for the person to be introspective but I’m saying this as if they’re doing their best to heal and change.
And ANOTHER thing. Don’t ghost people. Thats it for this one, just don’t be a coward and ghost someone you’ve been friends with or dating. Its cowardly.
Alright back to my main point.
My whole life has been spent hiding parts of myself and making myself small because I had to, I had to survive somehow. I turned off my goofy self, or turned it’s volume down, I became silent because it was safer. I would come home from hanging out with my BFF and my grandmother would talk to me for min. An hour about how that friend was using me, whether because I was bigger than them, and they were ‘keeping me around to feel good to feel better about themselves’, or just really didn’t care. That happened for god knows how many years. At least 10. SO YEAH I have a hard time believing that its possible for people to actually care. Yeah, I get scared when there are ‘signs’ of people leaving, or those things I was told meant I wasn’t cared for. BUT WHO THE FUCK WOULDN’T? For a very long time I have let people take advantage of me, given them too many chances, let guys tell me/convincing me to let them get away with certain things, or give them more leeway than they deserved. I was often the one told ‘I’m not the type of girl they’d date, but I’m the type they’d marry’, or decide to just fuck off after using me to get over their ex. Well, I’m kind of done letting people tell me what I do and do not deserve.
I’m telling YOU how it is now. Get. Ready.
(Or at the very least I’m going to try very hard. )
Okay, thats all for now.
I’m not even going to proof read this.
(This is where I’d drop the mic)
If you’d like to support me in a more financial (that means money)(i’m sassy/silly atm) there should be a ‘buy me a coffee’ button kicking around somewhere, it would mean a ton to me if you could donate. Or share this with a friend or two.