Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am not being abused anymore. Big sentence, big statement I’ll let that settle in.
If you’ve been abused of any type before especially give yourself a second and read that again.
(Just for the damn record: yes, verbal/emotional abuse is a fucking thing, its awful, it is abuse. Period.). Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am out of that situation. I am an abuse survivor (though, I still don’t feel right calling myself that…it feels…idk), its done. I’m no longer being made to feel small nearly every moment of my life. I have to remind myself that it is okay to let the goofy side out again, its safe to be myself (to figure out who that is), its safe to feel, to let myself shine. I don’t have to make myself small in effort to be invisible anymore, (I did that a lot for safety sake) I can just be unapologetically my fucking self. My own fucking person, I don’t have to answer to anyone, to worry about how my every move will hurt them. I don’t have to play it safe, I can show all my colours, live out loud. It takes a lot of getting used to.
I’m realizing I need more fun. I hid away for so long, I’m ready to get back out again, to take the risk of seeing them, and to get the fuck out and live my life. They do not control me any longer. They don’t get to decide how I feel, who I am, where I do. I do not need to feel shame, avoid places, spend so much time worrying about what I could have done better so that they wouldn’t have treated me the way they did.
If you have been friends with me for a while, and we are close, you may have noticed a shift in me. You may have noticed that my look has changed, I am dressing how I actually want to, I feel fucking confident (most of the time), I am starting to let my silly, playful side show more. I’m becoming myself in a way that sometimes I actually feel at home in my own body.
Its honestly crazy what a difference these last ten months made. I never in a million years expected any of this. I never thought I’d have the strength to do this, to stand up for myself in such a big way, to learn to be so alone, to get through this. But I did, and thank you all for helping with that. Its also astounding how much abuse effects you. I mean I know obviously it does, but actually seeing the effects it has on how you feel in your body, how you feel about yourself, how you hold yourself, communicate with people, how you treat and talk to yourself, who you become, what you do, how and if you take risks. Its no small thing to do all of those things once your out of that dark place so take a second (yes you) and appreaciate that, everything youve done, every step you took.
This isn’t to say I don’t have hard days. Life isn’t just peachy now, its still fucking awful sometimes. But there’s good too. Hold onto that every time you can.
Thats all for now
I love you, even if I don’t know you. You’re cute, you’re strong, you’re fucking doing it and I’m proud of you.
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