Just saying…If you’re family, or you’re not into me talking about sex stop reading now. TW sex talk. And please don’t talk to me about how inappropriate this is, or how gross it is, or judge me, you’re reading the title right? Brutally Honest? Well, this is part of it that not everyone might want to see.
The last 4 days I’ve woken up with a feeling of intense sadness in my chest, so much so I couldn’t breathe. So, for the first time in a long time, I did it again. I got myself into an unsafe situation, I used a self-destructive coping still. This is one of the 9 or whatever symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. Not including self-harm, its often things like drugs, alcohol, shopping, eating, sex, things like that. I mean yes, these things are all fun in their right times, but these are things that are beyond that. Putting yourself in unsafe situations to escape emotions (impuslive behaviour) (also you never know it at the time, that thats why you’re doing it) and afterwords not knowing why you thought it was a good idea, or why you did it, but mostly the intense amount of shame that follows it. I always steered clear of drugs and excessive drinking because I just had this feeling it was a really bad idea for me, but some of my mechanisms were eating, shopping and sex. I would mostly, try and initiate/go along with destructive, not healthy or safe sexual experiences, and then afterward when the time came for the plan to happen my logic would be back on and I could not understand why I wanted to do it, I would cancel plans thank god. There have been a few times that slipped by without my noticing, and mostly the self-desctuction comes out in the paticular things I’m into (lets not go there now), but today, today it happened. I willingly put myself in a situation where I was not safe, I did not know or trust the person, they were very violent so much for a first meeting that I started to see myself not being able to get out of the situation, he had me pinned down, hands around my throat and I couldn’t do anything. At the time, I was fine with it, I wanted it. I wanted it because it was punishment for myself, it was someone else validating my feelings of worthlessness, but still needing me. It was someone needing, valueing me, in a way I could understand, I could feel it. but when they left after 5 minutes saying literally too words “kay” “nope” I was left with the aftermath and such an intense amount of shame, and yet it wasn’t enough. I was left with bruises, strains, but the emotions I was trying to avoid were still there, and I wasn’t finished avoiding them, so someone else came over. This is the first time I have ever done this. Two people, not sex with two people but fooling around with two people in one day. He, thankfully, was kind, and actually understands BPD. But there was this voice inside me saying “i don’t want to do this,” and yet… I did it anyway. The worst part of this one was seeing how I could have really hurt someone’s feelings with how I was acting, or could have acted. Afterwords I can’t express the amount of shame I felt, the sadness came back. I dont even know myself, not the part of me that did that. Thats a part of me that vanished three years ago… I am physically in a lot of pain too, which doesn’t help, and I’m looking back and can’t for the love of god tell you why I did this. But I did.
I can tell you that there is attraction, for me, in being whatever it is the person wants. Of being valued. In being able to fill in whatever sexual/emotional void they have, because somewhere deep in my head that means they wont leave me, it means they’ll see I have value, that I’ll be attractive to them, that they wont want to let me go.
I don’t have any positive insights to end this in, not today. Just know you’re not alone if you do this, and that you have worth, and are attractive and amazing exactly as you are. And i’m fully saying this to you not feeling it about myself at all. But I do know that about you.
XX
BB