I don’t even know where to start with the amount of shit that has happened in the last month. So I’ll just give you some of the highlights:
About a month or so ago I made the big (read: fucking huge) step of getting my shit back from my mothers house. I had just had a break up, a family member was sick, and I really felt like I had nothing more to lose (HAHAHA just you wait) so I said ‘fuck it’ and I texted her. I was lucky to have a couple amazing friends help me out in getting the stuff for me so I wouldn’t actually have to go in person. I never heard back, but a few days later I got all my stuff, more than I expected. She gave me back everything I had there, and some stuff that Im pretty sure wasn’t mine. It very much felt like she wasnt intending on ever seeing me again. I went through the stuff, and carefully tucked into one of the boxes of old scrap material (like why did I save that) was a figurine of a cottage that felt like a carefully placed kind goodbye. Backstory: when I grew up at night we would tell each other stories of the people who lived in this little house (make believe, obvi) its one of the nicer memories I have from being a kid. So seeing it tucked in broke my heart, because it did feel like a goodbye. I mean maybe I’m wrong, maybe someone else put it there, but it was a nice thing to find but it, like going through all those boxes, was not easy.
So just when I thought everything had fallen apart I think I must have been standing on a trap door because then all hell broke loose..
I work a part time job for extra income and I wasn’t scheduled a lot of hours there, I tried to speak to the boss, but it seems as though the only solution is for me to find a new job. I don’t really want to leave, because I do love my coworkers there, they are all so lovely. The job itself isn’t hard. But I did find a potential new job already I’m just waiting for confirmation. Good, but change nonetheless.
I have been trying REALLY hard to embrace christmas, to make the best of it. I was so bloody determined to have a good one this year. I thought ‘it will be easier than last year, because its not the first one without my family anymore’. Here’s the thing though, last year was hard, yes; but it didn’t really feel real yet. There was still this sense of hope that things would turn around: they might apologize, reach out, things might have a happy ending. But now, 15 months in, I see that its over. It is still for the best, it likely is a happy ending, but its one with more pain and greif at least on my end. So this Christmas it really does feel like its just me, its hitting me that I don’t have a ‘home’ to go back to, no big family dinners, no old traditions. Last year I had a friend stay overnight, but this year I believe I will be alone Christmas Day. It may be good for me, but it may also be really fucking hard.
Two weeks ago I started to dive into some greif/emotional-body work with my therapist, which was some of the harder shit I’ve done in a while. When I am down I often feel so down that I am in quite a lot of physical pain as well. Shortly after I spiralled a bit out of control. My stress level rose to a such a high level with everything that I wasn’t eating, or sleeping well. My period was 2.5 weeks late, I was constantly anxious, and then came a few days of constant darkness. I was seriously depressed for a couple days, and while in that I relapsed and I self-harmed. I started to feel slightly better, and then…
My grandfather died.
He died on Saturday, so nearly a week ago.
I’m still in shock. Sometimes it still feels like I’m being held underwater. He and I had grown closer over the last year. I had started making an active effort to get to know him and make sure he knew how much he meant to me. I’m glad for that, obviously. I am so lucky to have had him in my life, and to have such a good conversation as our last one, but I’m still…in shock. I’ll maybe talk about him more another time.
For now I’m pretty emotionally tapped out.
I am trying really hard to take care of myself, but truth be told am not always doing a good job. I’m still not eating totally normally. I have been falling apart very easily, lots of tears, anxiety, and I haven’t been thinking straight. I straight up blacked out having made plans with a friend earlier this week, I don’t remember the conversation at all. I have been having a hard time getting my words right, or feeling grounded/safe/myself.
I went to therapy this week, and he helped me to dial back my stressors for this week, and that has helped a bit. I am trying to make sure I eat a bit more, and listen to what my body needs. I am trying to make sure I’m not suppressing the emotions but I’m not sure how successful I am doing.
Oh, ps. I just found out I’m allergic to Thiomersal, by chance does anyone else have experience with this who can help me figure out what its in besides vaccines?
Thanks for reading.
I am going to do another post in the next few days, let me know what you’d like to hear about! I can give more examples of what I do to try and stay grounded, or help cope. I can answer any questions you may have, I can speak to holidays sans family, I can give you yoga poses to help with mental health, I can….tell you…a story? I dont know, shoot me a message or comment if there’s anything you need/want to help you through the holiday.
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Love to all of you