Last night I woke up several times from nightmares, only I didn’t wake up screaming, I woke up feeling so sad I could never describe it with words. It felt like a piece of me was missing, like I had just lost everything I cared about, and the only way I could feel any ease in it was to hug a pillow. For as long as I can remember I’ve not been able to sleep without hugging a pillow, it helped me feel that I wasn’t so alone. I used to sit awake at night for hours because I felt so isolated, sad and alone; I used to sleep walk, sleep talk, have nightmares, and I did for as long as I can remember. I didn’t know how to soothe myself, and I didn’t know how to make the pain go away, and I was on my own to figure it out.
For a while, as I’ve said I self-harmed, I was suicidal, which I’ve stopped, but that pain and feeling of isolation is still there. Not all day every day, but there is honestly a good amount of time where I just don’t want to exist. Not that I’d do anything about it, and don’t take it to mean I’m not grateful and appreciative, I just have this dull ache of wishing I didn’t exist because this pain sometimes is too much. The stuff that gets me through generally is looking at what I do have and being grateful, reaching out to people who mean a lot and reminding them how awesome they are as people, but I still hurt so bad sometimes it feels like my heart is being torn out. No matter whos around me, who I have in my life, this pain is here, I feel isolated. Thats nothing to do with the people, that doesn’t mean I don’t love them, that I don’t appreciate them, don’t care about them because believe me I do. But it doesn’t feel the same, there’s not really anyone really close to me, that I can depend on (I do have a couple great friends, who I know I can count on, but work with me here okay?) it feels like there’s no one who can see me, all of me, and love it anyway. And logically I know that there are, there are amazing people who are always in my corner, but as I said in the past, they’re busy, but the real problem is that they can’t make up for the hole left there by people who left. People who didn’t love me for me, or at least didn’t make me feel that way; all the people who died, all the countless nights I spend/spent awake at night feeling alone, and isolated, and so worthless that I didnt want to exist. Now, I feel that pain all the time, not constantly, but a lot. I don’t push it away, I try not to do reckless things to change it (which, I don’t always succeed at), I try and remember that its that little kid thats sad, and that its okay to be sad. I hug pillows, and my cat, I dream of a day when I don’t feel this way, but man its hard, and its really hard to have that much courage everyday that I feel this way.
My mood does change a lot, so there are plenty of minutes throughout the day where I don’t feel like this, but I do at least once everyday. That, is the brutally honest reality I live right now.
I just keep breathing, keep practicing yoga, and keep reaching out/trying to grow when I can.