I’m sometimes suicidal. Even on days where everything is going right, it crosses my mind. Its not something I’ve planned out details, just something I day dream about, in a way. Not in a nice way, more like…day nightmare I guess. Just this underlying feeling that I don’t belong, I’m a burden, and don’t deserve to exist.
Its funny how things seem to go wrong around the same time. Flash back maybe two weeks and I distinctly remember thinking ‘wow, everything it actually going pretty well. I am sticking up for my boundaries, keeping my room clean, doing my dishes, maintaining an adult relationship…’ then literally that night I had this very detailed nightmare (one I remembered) that was about me being murdered (probably courtesy of a show I watched before bed), followed by another one the day after about my mother. I suddenly was very not okay, but nothing really triggered it, there was no event to cause the amount of anxiety and depression I started feeling. (I mean…other than the fact that I’m still obviously dealing with emotional abuse and the greif of my entire family…no distinct event happened to trigger this sudden change) I thought maybe my period (often the day before my period I’m very depressed and suicidal), but nope, I even had a night where I was full of this urge to self-harm.
But wait, there’s more, the next day I was getting messages about a family member doing well, which of course worried me. My partner broke things off with me, and I sent a text to my mother in order to get my stuff back. (Woo! I did it!) A friend had a baby (yay!), which meant me babysitting a 1 year old (poor thing was having a very emotional day), and her and I both cried a fair amount. I could not believe all of that happened within 24 hours. There are some parts of that I’m needing to handle now, in terms of conversations I am due to have, but for the most part things have settled. I got my stuff back from my mother, but now have to try and handle dealing with all of the stuff. (Thats a whole other story)
But boy, oh boy, those days last week (two weeks ago?) were dark. I went about 4 or 5 days with less than about 5 hours of sleep each night, I couldn’t eat. I was so busy I just had to put one foot after another. I thought about self-harm constantly, there was days on end where all I could think about was suicide, how it might be better for everyone. I kept thinking I’m not really that important to anyone. I keep people at a distance, and then when I let someone in close a lot of the time they give up on me in some way. It felt like all I did was fuck up friendships/relationships and if I had to deal with one more person leaving I would just end it. It felt like I was destined to be alone, too broken and ‘too sensitive/emotional’ to be anything but. This stuff isn’t new, this is stuff that pops up in my brain all the time. Quite often its at about a 2-4/10, but its every couple days, sometimes every day where I casually think about self-harm, or ending my life. Rest assured, when it does get high I have some things figured out to help me out. I have apps on my phone, people I’m supposed to call, crisis line, I have 2 distress boxes, music, yoga, I have things to turn to, and if that doesn’t work the hospital is not far. Because my reality is that I’ve been dealing with these feelings in some way for as long as I can remember. There hasn’t been a week where these thoughts haven’t come up at least twice. I have to be prepared to cope with all the shitty, heavy, feelings like this. Phew, dark as fuck today eh? Apologies. Should have warned ya, instead I jumped right in. Tough titty, as my grandmother would say. (But why? I dont know) I’m not saying any of this to scare you, I know its not a topic that is…well recieved, but we so need to start talking about it more. Especially those that can’t relate, and don’t know how to talk about it. Because it can feel so lonely for those of us who have these urges and there are certain reactions from loved ones that make us feel a LOT worse. For example, the first person I ever told I cut myself slapped me across the face. Did I stop? No, I just stopped telling her. Someone was insulted, which piled on even more shame and guilt than I already felt (went from a 8/10-11/10). Someone feeling suicidal has nothing to do with how important the people in their lives are. It is not something that is thought about in a selfish way. Most of the time these people, myself included, are stuck in this dark, horrible feeling/belief that the people in their lives would be better off if they didn’t exist. How sad is that? So when your friends open up to you about these kinds of feelings please do not call them selfish. Remind them how important they are. Ask them straight up if they’re unsafe. Ask them what kind of support they need: someone to listen, funny pics, suggestions of activities, company? It doesn’t matter how many times in the past youve told them you love them or they’re important, tell them again. They likely can’t see any of the good stuff right now, remind them of their accomplishments, people they’ve helped, happy moments. Don’t try and force them to push down the feeling, or not feel it, just help them remember they aren’t alone with it. Kay? Kay.
My point is, sometimes we feel suicidal even when everything is going right, same as sometimes we feel sad and don’t know why. Shit just happens. But that doesn’t mean that our progress isn’t valid. A good friend compared sadness to hunger. You get up in the morning, feel hungry, make a good meal and eat, and you don’t feel hungry, but when later on you feel hungry you don’t discredit the meal you started your day with. Its still valid, you’re still doing fucking amazingly and you deserve to continue to appreciate that. Its also okay to feel sad, and its not shameful to feel suicidal. Its not shameful, its really really difficult, and you are not alone with that.
Thats all for now.
Please feel free to reach out with questions, or if you need help. I have the Kingston crisis line saved on my phone if you need it, reach out.
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Lastly I’m considering, lightly, finding a way to do some mercy that is like…mental illness positive? I have some ideas, is this something you’d want? Like…a shirt that says ‘its ok to be sad’. (Not one of my ideas, I just made that up now) Let me know!