Suicidal Ideation

Happy Saturday y’all.   This post is going to be a kind of two part deal.  I’m going to talk about suicidal ideation (trigger warning right now)  I’ll fill you in on whats been going on with the family stuff, which I’ve been keeping a lot to myself because its really been very hard.  I have been avoiding putting it up because I’ve been afraid of them reading it, afraid that being open about this situation will create a greater divide in my family, and end in me losing more people.  But I’ve been thinking about other people in similar situations and that I would want them to know they aren’t alone, and I’d tell them its okay to talk about it, and that their story deserves being told.  So here we go, honestly at this point if you don’t like it, fuck off and read something else.  You clicked on this, you read the title its brutally honest.  And its just that. Honest, my honest, my story.  All situations are two sided, and if you’ve been reading the last few blogs you know that I have been as compassionate and kind and empathetic as I know how in this situation.  So here we go.

Alright, so lets put the stuff thats harder to talk about first: family stuff.  Im just going to say that this isn’t the entire story, I’m not going to tell you all the details, I’m keeping a lot out.  If you’re close you can ask, feel free to ask me about it, but I want you to look at it and remain neutral.  I am NOT okay with anyone deciding they are villains, I’m not okay with other family and family-friends having their minds changed or choosing sides.  I love you, I love them. I am not trying to start shit, I’m not starting a family shit storm, you do you.  This is only my story, go it?  sweet.

Okay so as I said before, when I posted that blog, it was the first time that my family had heard/read it all.  Shitty thing to do? Yeah, probably.  But I had tried to bring up similar subjects, I tried to be open with them and I was shot down, called dramatic, and made to feel generally, really shitty about myself.  I opened up about having Borderline and no one ever talked about it.  It wouldn’t have been safe to talk to them in person, emotionally.  There’s no way I could do that.  As shitty as it may make me, this was the safest route.   They didn’t react well, as you know (past blogs), and I asked for space.  I needed to do so so that I could heal my shit.  Its hard to heal and move on when every time I was around them I’d be triggered, and a lot of times would come home feeling really sad.  I found out a week or so later that they had all deleted me from social media, some had blocked me, some who weren’t involved directly deleted me too.  Maybe this seems like a tiny insignificant thing?   Thats not how it felt, thats not how my family meant it.  That means to me that they talked together, and decided as a group to delete me.  That means they didn’t want to see my name anymore, they didn’t want to know what I was doing, they didn’t want anything to do with me.  Thats how it felt.  I was devastated.  I knew it was a possibility that they would react badly, because its fucking hard when people call you on your shit.  It means not only do you have to feel shitty feelings from hearing it, but you also have to deal with all your own shit, your hurt, your trauma, you have to look it all in the face.  And they weren’t ready.  I’m the villain to them now, thats okay.  They have to do what they have to, and to them I’m sure I seem like an asshole, and I am sure that their story would paint me that way.   So it feels to me like a loss.  It feels really fucking bad to be honest, its been a… month and a half?  I have a feeling it will be at least a couple years? I dont know why I feel that,  but its by how they reacted and their pettier actions.  They aren’t in a place to have an open conversation and I’m not going to apologize for my hurt feelings, for standing up to myself and calling them on their shit, I’m not going to apologize for not letting them treat me like shit anymore, nor should I need to.  But its not easy.  I miss them,  I am sad, really deeply sad, I’m angry, I’m grieving, I’m a lot of emotions.  There you go.  Brutally honest, please dont hate me, this is hard.  I feel really lonely, and sometimes I still question myself.  I question the abuse in the first place because somewhere down the line I was taught that my emotions aren’t valid, or important, and that I am just dramatic and am being too sensitive.

I’ve been having suicidal ideations for a long time.  Almost as long as I can remember.  Its not constant, but its frequent.  That doesn’t mean I’m going to follow through.  There are times where these ideations become a lot more intense, there are times where I feel straight up suicidal.  Its super shitty feeling.  It feels like the world is better off without me existing, and it feels like the most selfish thing to do is exist.  Its stupid hard to ask for help, its hard to remember to breath, eat, shower, make your bed, excersize because all you’re doing is trying to exist. Some days that is a battle enough.  I still feel this way sometimes, even after all these years of trying to heal myself, all this therapy, self discovery, yoga.  It honestly probably will always happen from time to time.  But I’m still here.  I have really good moments, really amazing moments that make me cry because of how lucky I feel, and there are times where I feel the opposite.  And thats really fucking confusing.  Its confusing to have such a dramatic change in my emotions so fast, and from minute to minute I feel like I get emotional whiplash sometimes.  I know I can be hard to talk to when I am in a dark place, but all I really want to know is that I’m not alone.  I cope mostly by walking.  I walk by the water, I listen to music because sometimes the right music can feel better than an orgasm, better than a hug, its like a hug to your soul, your heart.  I also let myself cry, I try and do fun things to distract myself, I paint, I write these posts, I start to just notice myself breathing.  I notice where I feel my breath, I notice my feet on the floor, honestly mindfulness has saved me.  I also reach out to a couple great friends (honestly they asked me to promise I would, which helped make it easier to reach out).  If youre feeling suicidal, know that you’re not alone.  Remember to breath, watch a youtube video of a cat, go to sleep, go for a walk, call a friend, call a hotline, colour, write.  If all you do today is exist, you should still be so damn proud of yourself, you’re a fucking warrior.  I love you.