Nearly a year

Well, thank you again for your patience, I just got back from training and am settling into real life again. I am so dedicated to you guys that I am currently writing the iPad keyboard…like the touch screen one. Soooo there ya go.

Little catch up, flow teacher training was amazing full of connection, and it was so inspiring. It was physically and emotionally difficult but I loved every minute of it. I also got to spend some time with amazing friends and have a few dates with a true gentleman while I was there. I’m back now had a weekend full of friends, though it has been rough to adjust to real life. The one year mark is coming up for when I stood up to abuse, and distanced myself from my family. Which is unreal and I can’t really believe it. Continue reading “Nearly a year”

Its been one year!!

I never know what to say first on these. Do I say hi? Do I just dive right in? Do I ease my way in like its an imaginary conversation? Who the hell knows.
Well friends, it has officially been a year since I’ve had this domain name, and I’m happy to say you’re stuck with me another year, because I just re-purchased it. So tough luck for you if you’re a hater I guess? I think last year I nearly broke even in terms of the things I have to pay for behind the scenes for the blog, so I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support. I just want to re-touch on why I started this blog in the first place, what drove me to write and where I’ve come with it.
Continue reading “Its been one year!!”

Lately

Lately its been hard to breathe. Its hard to explain when people ask how Ive been that it feels like there is a cement block pressing down on my chest holding me under water. Its hard to explain how my whole body seems to be overflowing with greif and pain, when a lot of people dont understand the severity of the loss. They act as if it was a choice. And out of good intentions they say things like ‘its not forever.’ Just for a second imagine losing your family. Not because of death (though I know from experience that thats awful too) but because they chose not to be open and to not apologize. Imagine theyd emotionally/verbally abused you for years and though its accidental, it was serious and did a lot of damage.

Lately its been so dark, life moves as if in slow motion and fast forward at the same time. I lay awake a lot stressing about this combination of little things, weird and hard things until the pile of shit is so high I cant see the top. Yes, Im trying to use the tools I have, be active, stay mindful but when its already hard to eat and sleep sometimes everything else feels like climbing mountians.

Lately its been hard to eat, food has no appeal a lot of the time. I’ve made a mental note to check in every two hours to see if I’ve eaten, but sometimes I forget.
I haven’t been going to the gym or yoga nearly as much as I should, because I work every day, and by the time I’m done I’m too tired or depressed to have the motivation to go.

So, here’s an honest answer to ‘how are you?’:
I am truckin’ away. I tend to be around the map with my mood, as you may know by now. But I am more often depressed lately, more often anxious, and the intensity of those have been amplified, of fucking course. So, there are some days where I dont want to exist. Not that I have a plan, but I think about it casually. If you’ve never felt it, it’s really hard to explain. Promise that I have no plan. But I do think about not existing. I have felt like a burden for being depressed and grieving. I have not been well. But I’ve been trucking away, feeling what I have to, not giving up, fighting one moment at a time.

With all this shit coming up, it has hard to feel great about my body. Feeling pretty awful about it. Someone reminded me the other day that our physical, emotional, and spiritual health are not separate. There are times we can put relatively equal amounts of energy into all of it, and there are times where we need to use a little extra in one area and the others diminish a bit. Feeling greif and being depressed won’t diminish if you put tons of pressure on yourself to be out and active, and happy, and busy all the time. In fact, you’re on your way to burn out (ahem, speaking of, sounds like me eh?). Its okay to be sad, its okay to not be okay. Its okay to give yourself the time to feel those emotions. Keep checking in and asking yourself ‘what would be for my highest good right now?’, and listen to the answer. If its gym, great. If its laying in bed and watching Netflix, great. But do so without guilt, let yourself enjoy what your body needs.

So what am I doing about the depression, and stress? I am taking a step back from working at the part time job starting soon. I postponed a commitment I had in the spring to August, I am being as kind to myself as I can. I am going to therapy, tryin to ask for help, and remembering (trying to) the tools I’ve spent so long learning. I’m expressing appreciation and gratitude for the things I am lucky enough to have and the people I’m lucky to have in my corner.

Thank YOU, yes you, for reading, and supporting. Thank you for being open about your own shit, and holding space for others emotions, mistakes and the parts that they’re renovating. There’s a ‘Buy me a Coffee’ button on the side or bottom of the screen, if you feel compelled to support in a more financial manner, its always greatly appreciated. Other forms of support: tell your friends about the blog, reach out and give me feedback, or just keep on being the amazing human you are!

Much love.

Bi-products of trauma.

Alright, these past few weeks have been kind of insane, but I don’t know that I’m ready to talk about it yet.  I am going to tell you that I’m going to be in a Fashion Show for the first time tomorrow, one that promotes body positivity, and is a ‘fuck you’ to diet culture, anxiety, depression and I’m so excited to be a part of it.  If you’re in Kingston message me for details.    So what I’m going to talk about (rant on about) today is the residual effects of trauma and emotional abuse.  Sometimes we don’t think much about the littler things that might come up as a result, and they can feel pretty…scary, and confusing.  I often felt like there was something really wrong with me because of them, as if they are flaws.  These are by no means all of them, just a few that have reeked havoc in my life. Continue reading “Bi-products of trauma.”

Christmas Update

Well kids, these past few weeks have been big ones, I apologize for the radio silence, I had so much going on I was just treading through it. I put far too much on my plate and no suprise got sick. I did put on a great show, have a wonderful dinner, and spent lots of time with some amazing friends.
So to summarize: it was my first Christmas after no contact with fam, last week at the cafe job, played a show, hosted my first Christmas dinner, and saw a bunch of friends that I love. Oh, and today’s (Dec 29- when I wrote most of this post) and that my abusive grandmother died.
First of all, I was blown away by the love and support you all poured out, thank you so much. Thanks for your continued reading and everlasting support. I hope you all are having a really nice holiday, surrounded by love. Continue reading “Christmas Update”