I’m sometimes suicidal. Even on days where everything is going right, it crosses my mind. Its not something I’ve planned out details, just something I day dream about, in a way. Not in a nice way, more like…day nightmare I guess. Just this underlying feeling that I don’t belong, I’m a burden, and don’t deserve to exist.
Continue reading “I’m Sometimes Suicidal”
So I’ve been trying to figure out why I had this sudden shyness to post on here. I mean, you’ve seen it, I suddenly started posting less. Granted yes, my life got busy I did flow training and had other shit going on, but it’s something deeper I just know it. Continue reading “My fucking voice”
Hi, its been a while. I looked it up, and my very first blog post was May of last year (if you missed it, check it out Here ) I thought, I’d introduce myself today, so if you’ve met me before, sit tight, maybe you’ll learn something new about me!
Continue reading “Hi agian”
Alright, these past few weeks have been kind of insane, but I don’t know that I’m ready to talk about it yet. I am going to tell you that I’m going to be in a Fashion Show for the first time tomorrow, one that promotes body positivity, and is a ‘fuck you’ to diet culture, anxiety, depression and I’m so excited to be a part of it. If you’re in Kingston message me for details. So what I’m going to talk about (rant on about) today is the residual effects of trauma and emotional abuse. Sometimes we don’t think much about the littler things that might come up as a result, and they can feel pretty…scary, and confusing. I often felt like there was something really wrong with me because of them, as if they are flaws. These are by no means all of them, just a few that have reeked havoc in my life. Continue reading “Bi-products of trauma.”
There seems to be this misconception that you stand up to abuse, and everything’s fine after that. You know, you have this big break through, you stand up to your abusers, tell them you deserve better, and thats that. No one talks about the aftershock, honestly no one really talks about it at all. Its not something that is easily understood at all, and there are a lot of strong beliefs on the subject. You grow up being told that your family always have your back, you trust them implicitly, they’re our first heros. We are told that family is the most important thing, but what kinds of lines do we draw if they emotionally abuse us? Its hard to talk about, partially because I feel so vulnerable, scared, alone, but also because I at times feel like I can’t trust my own reality or memory. I worry that people will see me as a monster, when in reality, I just decided to stop letting myself be abused, and set new healthier boundaries for myself.
Continue reading “Aftershock”
Fuck. This is a hard one. A risky one, and a long one. Life has been hard, all over the place. As you know, if you’ve been reading, I’m kind of going through a huge loss, a huge life event. (Revisit Involuntary Emotinal Abuse, if you need a reminder). I spoke up about something really hard, and though the post is done, my life is still messy. I feel like I have emotional whiplash some days, from the amount of stuff I’m feeling, how often I change moods, how deeply I feel it all. Some days are better than others, usually when I’m out and around people I feel better, but when I am home and alone it all hits me like a ton of bricks. My eating and sleeping has been all out of whack, which of course effects me emotionally. I am getting my period (yes, I’m being honest about that too, deal with it) which makes shit a lot worse. I feel awful today, and a bad day at work doesn’t help. I drank 2 glasses of wine as soon as I came in the door, thats how bad work was (someone shit on the floor, like….it was really bad). Some days, like today, I have this general overall feeling of not wanting to exist. Its a really strong, awful feeling that eats away at you from the inside out. I wish, today, that I’d just never been born, and think that that would have been easier, I wouldn’t have been such a burden on my family, I wouldn’t have been such a burden on my friends. I keep on fucking trucking, but man it is so exhausting to feel that for days at a time and have to pretend I’m fine, or just do everyday tasks feels like running a marathon.
Continue reading “Emotional Whiplash”