For as long as I can remember, I have had no idea who I am, and I didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin. My style has changed for as long as remember, being influenced by those who I spend the most time with, or didn’t feel as good as. I have avoided clothes that I liked, because I didn’t that I was good enough to wear them. In my darker anorexic days I would wear lots of layers of clothes to hide myself, but even recently I would wear clothes that are loose, or that I could just disappear in, so that no one would notice me. If I hung around someone more materialistic I would do my makeup even when I didn’t want to, I would wear clothes they would wear. When I got into yoga I wore only ‘yogi’ or hippie ish clothes. There is nothing at all wrong with doing those things, but it just didn’t feel like me all the time. Its more than just clothes too, my whole sense of self changes, down to my hobbies. If you looked at my bedroom you’d see evidence of so many different interests, all over the map, some of which I actively am interested in, others that I haven’t really touched lately, its phase ran out. This ended up making me feel really unsure of myself, no sense of self is a symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder, we are often referred to as chamillions, and it can be really frustrating, and disheartening because you have this feeling like you’re….unbalanced or without roots. I’m not really sure how to describe the feeling honestly. I never really figured out who I was, what style I was, what I valued, what I wanted to spend my time doing. Partially because my grandmother picked out my clothes until I was way too old, but also because I never really felt safe to take time to figure out who ‘me’ was. Turns out, standing up to the emotional/psychological abuse was what I needed to start to create my own ‘safe space’ and start to allow myself to find out. Continue reading “Who I am(?)”