Fuck. This is a hard one. A risky one, and a long one. Life has been hard, all over the place. As you know, if you’ve been reading, I’m kind of going through a huge loss, a huge life event. (Revisit Involuntary Emotinal Abuse, if you need a reminder). I spoke up about something really hard, and though the post is done, my life is still messy. I feel like I have emotional whiplash some days, from the amount of stuff I’m feeling, how often I change moods, how deeply I feel it all. Some days are better than others, usually when I’m out and around people I feel better, but when I am home and alone it all hits me like a ton of bricks. My eating and sleeping has been all out of whack, which of course effects me emotionally. I am getting my period (yes, I’m being honest about that too, deal with it) which makes shit a lot worse. I feel awful today, and a bad day at work doesn’t help. I drank 2 glasses of wine as soon as I came in the door, thats how bad work was (someone shit on the floor, like….it was really bad). Some days, like today, I have this general overall feeling of not wanting to exist. Its a really strong, awful feeling that eats away at you from the inside out. I wish, today, that I’d just never been born, and think that that would have been easier, I wouldn’t have been such a burden on my family, I wouldn’t have been such a burden on my friends. I keep on fucking trucking, but man it is so exhausting to feel that for days at a time and have to pretend I’m fine, or just do everyday tasks feels like running a marathon.
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