I’m sometimes suicidal. Even on days where everything is going right, it crosses my mind. Its not something I’ve planned out details, just something I day dream about, in a way. Not in a nice way, more like…day nightmare I guess. Just this underlying feeling that I don’t belong, I’m a burden, and don’t deserve to exist.
Continue reading “I’m Sometimes Suicidal”
Well, thank you again for your patience, I just got back from training and am settling into real life again. I am so dedicated to you guys that I am currently writing the iPad keyboard…like the touch screen one. Soooo there ya go.
Little catch up, flow teacher training was amazing full of connection, and it was so inspiring. It was physically and emotionally difficult but I loved every minute of it. I also got to spend some time with amazing friends and have a few dates with a true gentleman while I was there. I’m back now had a weekend full of friends, though it has been rough to adjust to real life. The one year mark is coming up for when I stood up to abuse, and distanced myself from my family. Which is unreal and I can’t really believe it. Continue reading “Nearly a year”
I never know what to say first on these. Do I say hi? Do I just dive right in? Do I ease my way in like its an imaginary conversation? Who the hell knows.
Well friends, it has officially been a year since I’ve had this domain name, and I’m happy to say you’re stuck with me another year, because I just re-purchased it. So tough luck for you if you’re a hater I guess? I think last year I nearly broke even in terms of the things I have to pay for behind the scenes for the blog, so I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support. I just want to re-touch on why I started this blog in the first place, what drove me to write and where I’ve come with it.
Continue reading “Its been one year!!”
Alright, these past few weeks have been kind of insane, but I don’t know that I’m ready to talk about it yet. I am going to tell you that I’m going to be in a Fashion Show for the first time tomorrow, one that promotes body positivity, and is a ‘fuck you’ to diet culture, anxiety, depression and I’m so excited to be a part of it. If you’re in Kingston message me for details. So what I’m going to talk about (rant on about) today is the residual effects of trauma and emotional abuse. Sometimes we don’t think much about the littler things that might come up as a result, and they can feel pretty…scary, and confusing. I often felt like there was something really wrong with me because of them, as if they are flaws. These are by no means all of them, just a few that have reeked havoc in my life. Continue reading “Bi-products of trauma.”
There seems to be this misconception that you stand up to abuse, and everything’s fine after that. You know, you have this big break through, you stand up to your abusers, tell them you deserve better, and thats that. No one talks about the aftershock, honestly no one really talks about it at all. Its not something that is easily understood at all, and there are a lot of strong beliefs on the subject. You grow up being told that your family always have your back, you trust them implicitly, they’re our first heros. We are told that family is the most important thing, but what kinds of lines do we draw if they emotionally abuse us? Its hard to talk about, partially because I feel so vulnerable, scared, alone, but also because I at times feel like I can’t trust my own reality or memory. I worry that people will see me as a monster, when in reality, I just decided to stop letting myself be abused, and set new healthier boundaries for myself.
Continue reading “Aftershock”