I think I got a little lost in other peoples opinions, and fears, and judgments that I let it overshadow my own opinions and passions. I think I let it over power the reason I’m doing this blog in the first place. For you, reading this. I’m not here trying to get attention, tbh the attention is something I don’t like about it, I’m here to be honest so that maybe one of you will read this and think “woah thank god I’m not alone. “. “Someone else knows what I’m going through, thank goodness”. I was kind of given a reminder lately that there is still so much stigma with mental health, and a lot of people still unfortunately believe that its something to be ashamed of. I think thats cowardly bullshit. Harsh? Fuck it. This isn’t politely honest borderline. (Heheh)
There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a sad day; or a sad week; or month. Nothing. There is nothing wrong with feeling angry, sad, or greiving they are all perfectly valid important human emotions. The problem comes up when we let our emotions dictate how we treat others, or when we avoid our feelings and don’t spend time loving ourselves and healing. So think for a second: when you’re angry do you let yourself feel angry, maybe put it into art, or excersize, or do you snap at the people around you without justification? There is nothing wrong with saying “I’m sad today” because that shows that you are so beautifully human, so beautifully normal, and that you also don’t give a fuck about the social stigma of always being happy and sad=bad. Honestly, if you can be open that sometimes you feel sad or you have flaws or you have shit you are working on you gain so so much respect and admiration from me. And probably a lot of people around you. It is so refreshing to hear someone say “yeah I’m feeling sad today, but I got up, I am here at my job that I love, I’m being brave and being constructive with my sadness”. Because being vulnerable about all that opens the doors to connection. I would go so far as to say you cannot fully connect without vulnerability.
I think I got a little wrapped up in my head, and all of those thoughts I was told to have that I lost track of which were mine, and which were given to me. I do not see vulnerability as a weakness, I see it as a strength. I do not see or intend this blog as pandering or attention seeking, I am doing it to help other people. I do not think the treatment of me by my family was deserved, and I am fully allowed to stand up for myself and say so.
You all blow me away. Honestly, every time someone reaches out and tells me I’ve helped them I’m brought to happy vulnerable tears because thats exactly why I’m doing this. Please know there have been at least 15 of you beautiful humans who have told me so, and that alone honestly means the absolute world to me. And I will continue this, face my fears, face the backlash that naturally might come up because I want to remind you all that there is nothing (repeat NOTHING) wrong with feeling. Mental illness is as valid as physical illness. Mental injury is as valid as physical injury. Tell anyone who makes you feel less than, or invalid to fuck off. I know its hard, but you deserve that. Its such brave fucking work and you’re essentially a mental health warrior. The hardest thing is to stop, turn your focus inward and look at your own shit, to allow yourself to feel your sadness, or your anger. Its so hard to look at your reaction and say “is this a reaction to the present moment, or the past”. “Is this a fair treatment, am I being compassionate, and kind and allowing them to be their amazing flawed human-self too?”
The important thing, when you get stuck in your head, is to find the ground again. Some things that help me are fidgety toys, (I only have dollar store ones right now but they help), big deep breaths, yoga, breathing exersizes, and reiki. And hanging out with people who have your back unconditionally. You know those people who you can be around and you feel safe, you don’t feel self-conscious and when you do you can tell them and talk to them. The people that would have your back regardless and just treat you with love and compassion always? Spend more time with those people. I have a couple friends who have told me in one way or another they had my back, usually through action. Making it clear they would never buy into my sisters bullshit, that they would never for a second believe her gaslighting words, or that they have nothing but love for me even when I hate myself, or lose myself. That is family right there. Those people are fucking gold, and worth so much and help so much in any kind of healing process.
I get lost sometimes, I get stuck in my head, I take other peoples words as gospel over my own sometimes because I grew up being told my words and feelings weren’t valid. But I’m learning. Its a process. Its not one that happens over night. And you may even think “well, the trauma is done now/abuse is done now/whatever is done, I should be healed!” well, now is the time you are healing all of those wounds that happened during the trauma. Its a slow process but I promise one day you will look back and be blown away at how far you have come.
Im sorry that I let myself be swept away by fear, and self-doubt. I am getting back to the ground, and my feet. I am here for you all, to support you all, to remind you you’re not alone, to remind you someone cares.
You’re so fucking brave and I’m proud of you.
This blog is for you.