Too Damn Much

Today was one of those damn days: everything is harder to accomplish, your body hurts, you want to cry for no (or every) reason, and every little thing goes wrong. For some kind of inexplicable reason.  Just too damn much to carry around with you, and you just end up snapping, crying, getting hysterical, or somehow keeping it together until you can hide in your bed with a glass of wine, and a to do list you’re choosing to ignore.

The world is fucking ending; or at least, thats how it feels.  Let me tell you why, give you a little looksie into my day.  Teaching (yay! Not at all relevant). Work, you know, fine. Its work, a day job I dont love, but am ok with.  I’m working with a newbie who I have to occasionally correct, but thats to be expected.  Small right? But still frustrating on a smaller scale.  I find out from a customer that apparently place of work is sold now, because they heard it from the new owner, and they didn’t wait until we were told to spread it around.  Its sold to a person that I dont entirely want to work for, because of past frustrating experiences but you know, life right?  Alright, so then I got a massage by an RMT that was good, but a good hurt, and was a giant reminder of all the ways my day job that I don’t even love is slowly killing me.  Oh, and did I mention that earlier in the day I said yes to playing a for a charity event that will have 400 people there? (Oh Jeebus. Super exciting, but super scary). I wont bore you with every detail of my day, but too many damn things went wrong.  Here is a snapshot of the rest of the day: I have like 50 notifications on my phone blinking at me to respond.  I have at least 5 emails to write, write a bio, find a reasonable picture of me to accompany it, vistaprint was a dink and hard to figure out, soundcloud locked me out cuz Iforgot the password and the email they have is expired.  (Why technology)  I work like 46 hours a week yet agreed to pick up 4 more hours I wont be paid for, and now I have to practice for an hour and a half set, figure out how to technology, and find equipment to use for the show. I have to figure out a budget, do other homework, stretch, go to yoga, go to the gym, do laundry, clean my room, clean up whatever smells like cat pee, (really cat??) and just generally be better at life. (That last one is a summary of all the other silly things my brain tells me I have to do)  I feel tired, lethargic and fat.  This on top of all of my previously existing crap.  I have a list as long as my damn arm of reasons to fall apart.  Too much to hold up on my own.  Huge, massive shifts are taking place in my life now and it is fucking hard.  I took a step back from family for a while so I can really figure my shit out, and focus on healing my emotions.  I am playing this massive show.  This blog is a thing now (thanks y’all).  I’m teaching piano a wee bit.

Its so easy to put blinders on and not see that all this is going on in the background and judge myself for flipping out because vistaprint didn’t make what I was trying to accomplish user friendly.  (I threw things, I wont lie…I threw a book onto the couch it wasn’t anything exciting haha but I got mad and had to leave my apartment)  Its so easy to see the stuff that just happened today and say “what the fuck, why am I so weak, why can’t I handle this, whats wrong with me”.   Honestly its only after starting to write that all out was I like “oh right….yeah…of course you’re upset, youre carrying a lot today” I get so caught up in things like “you didn’t respond to this right away, do your financial work right away, stretch enough, go to yoga enough, try hard enough, do good enough, lose enough weight, put make up on, sleep well enough, eat well enough….therefore I’m a bad person, worthless, not enough”. I mean how common is that?  That something as small as me not knowing how to work a website can make me feel like I’m worthless.  How easy is it for me to blame myself and not the actual website, or hey if its me, why do I have to be good everything.   Fuck that.   My suggestion?  Write it all down, once you see how long the list is you’ll instantly be able to have more compassion with yourself.  Anyone would be stressed/sad/depressed/angry you name it.  You’re doing pretty good, you sensitive warrior, you.

All that being said, I will say that with Borderline Personality Disorder sometimes it feels like you are very carefully judging knives…while people are throwing more at you for you to juggle (you following? I dont know where this is going), and sometimes one knife is a little wobbly when its thrown and it feels like all of those knives land in our heart, or our stomach.  Meanwhile those watching, and even our own brains, are saying “wtf is wrong with you, why are you so upset about this customer (fill in the blank) you’re being TOO sensitive (ugh)”   Sometimes its a trigger, which I’ll talk about another time (and I have in the past), sometimes its just one more cement block we are trying desperately to hold up, and its the one that breaks us.  So please don’t  judge yourself, or others, if they start to lose their cool over something that might seem small.  You have no idea whats going on, and until you ask, you don’t know their side.

You know?

Ugh.  Well. That my day.  How’s yours? Feel free to comment with requests, or just say hi, say how your days going, or ask questions.  Thanks so much for reading, its a fills my heart hearing back from you, and a few of you have made it clear how much I have helped you feel better, or less alone.  Thats why I’m doing this.

I really appreciate everything you’re doing.  I can never thank you enough.  I have had a few people ask how they can support me and if its accessible to you, and that’s something you want to do, buy me a coffee with the button on the top right.   No need to, I get it, money is tight, stressful and completely terrifying.  I love you all regardless. <3

 

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