Triggers

I’ve been having nightmares and sleeping problems for as long as I can remember.  They go in waves,  sometimes I sleep fine, but sometimes I dont.  There are days that I wake up, and I feel like I have been crying all night, and feel so alone.  There are days I wake up and feel like I’ve been having an anxiety attack all night.  This isn’t necessarily borderline related as much as trauma I think.

This morning I woke up feeling really sad.  I don’t know why, I tried very hard to move past it, and it did fade, especially when I was doing what I love and teaching, but it tends to creep back at times.  So, this sadness is a stubborn creature, it doesn’t nitpick and judge (well, it judges in different ways) It likes to just feel sad all the time.  Sometimes a little thing will happen, and brighten up my day and I shoot up to a two, like going to the top of a mountain, then the slightest disappointment can make me come crashing back down lower than I was before.  And I know its completely irrational, for example, today a friend suggested we meet up when they had a free few hours.  I got really excited, because all I’d wanted all day is to hug someone.  Then, in the end it didn’t end up making any sense because they would have only had a short amount of time.  Knowing this logically did not translate to my emotional mind, emotionally I felt so disappointed, sad, even lonelier.  I didn’t feel like I was worth anyone’s time.  I was afraid that I was worthless, and would just be a disappointment.  This makes no sense, obviously, because there was no logical reason for it.  However, thats how I felt.  This, is a trigger (kind of.).  Its frustrating sometimes for this to happen, because I feel myself lose it and know that it makes no sense and then feel crazy, or like they’d definitely not like me now.  I feel myself get anxious about losing them, about not being good enough, and I no longer act like myself.  I dont see everything the same way, its like I’m wearing those classes with the stripes that were a big thing forever ago. I’m only seeing half the picture.  But I don’t know that I’m wearing these glasses until after they come off.  So, sometimes I can be hard to speak to because logic wont get through to me, logic no longer gets through to me.  It can be hard to get through to me, to talk to me, to understand whats going on in my head.  And it will likely seem irrational, and maybe silly or whatever to you.  But I can’t help it.  I can try and calm down, but I mainly just need time.  Hugging helps, physical contact helps a ton.  Animal videos, reminding me I matter to you, that you care.    I am lucky to have some amazing friends.  At an event this weekend, I started to lose my footing, I started to panic, freak out, I didnt even really know what was going on.   I was overwhelmed, and a small thing sent me over the edge.  Then, a friend of mine came in to help, they were so amazing.  They stood with me, hugged me, stayed with me.  The physical contac part of it made the biggest difference to me.  Also just them as a person, I love them a lot and they mean a lot to me.

This has kind of been a bit of a ramble, but its a little about triggers, kind of a small example, and what to do if its happening to someone you care about.  I should say, that not everyone’s touch is helpful.  There are very paticular people that help, and there are some that hurt. It depends on how open our relationship is.  Best thing to do is ask.

Thanks for reading, keep up the good work
Rebecca

2 Replies to “Triggers”

  1. I can't help but share your torment, as I do your great aunt's. Although you and Judy are related, it is by marriage, not blood. Heredity may be a mental health factor, but not in this case! Judy's bipolar diagnosis was made about eight year's ago, and she suffers depression, anxiety and low self-esteem often, sometimes when on stage. We hug occasionally, but your blog encourages me do do it more frequently. I know it will help.

    I am off to have breakfast with your cousin Eli (she doesn't like to be called Beth, or Elizabeth) to celebrate my 78th birthday which happened yesterday. I will remember to give her a hug too! The last item in a list of instructions on our psychotherapist's wall is "Hug often." I should have taken his advice, but your advice was much more personal.

    Just so you know, when I hear you sing about David, it brings me to tears, as I am doing now. Blair laughs at his dad who is easily moved to tears, even when watching TV. I am not ashamed, I am proud that I have no problem showing emotion.

    Judy and I will be seeing the Royal Nova Scotia Tattoo July 2nd with Tish and Frank. I am sure we will be hugging frequently while in Halifax.

    Please accept my remote hug. I think of you often and pleasantly remember having lunch with you and Judy in Guelph.

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