Which me do you see?

There are so many things I want to say, and express and they are all swimming around in my head like a muddled alphabet soup.  So I’m going to revisit a topic which has a ton of depth: how you see us, how we see us, and the miscommunication between.

I do want to say thank you, thank you for being here, for reading, for existing, for breathing, for getting out of bed.  Every single one of you inspires me.  I started this extremely scary project because when I was diagnosed no one knew what Bordereline Personality Disorder was.  All the books, tv shows, articles I found were all warning non-BPD people about how awful people with Borderline were.   As I said in past a lot of tv shows or movies I saw labelled people with Borderline as the serial killers, the really ‘crazy’ people.  I felt so alone, I felt broken, and I started doing something dangerous and re-evaluated everything I’ve ever done.  In all of these things I  was painted as a villain, a murderer, someone selfish, manipulative, dramatic.  People were wanted not to go anywhere near those like me.  You know those stupid glasses that were huge like…three, four years ago with the lines going across the lense? Some rapper wore them (obviously I’m with the times eh?).  From what I can imagine seeing borderline from the outside is like wearing those glasses.  You can see our actions, our reactions, our emotions and as humans we tend to fill in the blanks with whatever we feel like, or whatever is easiest.  Unfortunately this doesn’t often work in our/my favour.   Anyway, I made this blog so that people in places like I am in, have been in, and will be in know that they are not alone.  So that people without borderline can see more of a full picture of what is going on.

Let me give you an example.  But, I will warn you, its going to be a dark and scary example.

So my mood changes a lot, triggers are common, mood swings are extreme.  When its dark, its very dark, and when its bright, it gets so bright its brilliantly blinding.  I those dark places I still feel suicidal.  Its not a choice I make, it just happens.   More often than not its an extremely strong wish of not wanting to exist; but every now and then it goes a lot farther.  And part of the biggest problems with MY borderline is when I’m in these places I dont really know how to deal with it by myself (I’m learning), I dont have the skills to, and don’t have the ability of seeing that I can make it though it. I’m reduce back to the little kid who was triggered.  I genuinely do feel suicidal, I have been learning ways of coping without harming myself, but I do reach out at times (often to the wrong people though).  From what I can guess its hard to believe me because either I seem like I want attention, or its like ‘the boy who cried wolf’.  I actually don’t know the other side, but I have been called dramatic several occasions when I was fighting to want to stay alive.  Maybe, though, these people were just assholes. (Were meaning we aren’t friends anymore)

I guess what I’m trying to say is that though you may  see someone being dramatic, or whatever you may want judge you probably don’t know the whole story.  You are probably only seeing the bits your brain, eyes, or judgment will allow you to see.  Take a second, take a breath and use your compassion to look again.

And if you’re in that place? Know that you can make i through.  When you feel stable try writing a list of things that make you happy, preferably things that don’t require a ton of energy or that are easy to do.  A few of mine: go for a walk by the water, get outside, go get a coffee, watch stupid cat/animal/comedy videos on youtube, draw, read, colour, and listen to music.  Music is the biggest one.  If you’re in a dark, downward spirally place DO NOT listen to sad music.  Act opposite and listen to music that is upbeat, fun, happy, and has positive memories attached.

I love y’all.

 

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