Why I Disappeared

Hi there,

I disappeared for a while, to deal with some pretty major things I was going through. Some were not safe to talk about, and some I wasn’t ready to talk about.

First, and easier one to talk about is that I had a breakup a couple weeks ago. It was mutual and amicable, but its still painful and difficult. This person taught me so much and I will always be so grateful to them for everything they have taught me and helped me with. We are still going to be friends, but I am sad to lose them in the partnership/romantic capacity. Though, truth be told it wasn’t really working for us. The circumstances were not in our favour and it resulted in a triggering situation for me. My anxiety was super high and I wasnt able to continue dealing with that intense of a trigger. Thats all I’ll say for now, I’m still working through the rest.

Second is that this time of year is so hard for just about everyone. We feel so close to finally being out of the darkness but mother nature has some other ideas in mind and there are still cold days and hard, dark days. I have this habit of taking on too much and not giving myself down time, so I have been trying to do that more this last couple weeks, after dealing with a bit of burn out. I’ve pulled back from most things to focus on rest, excersize and taking care of my emotional well-being to get myself back on track.

The other thing, thats more difficult to talk about, is that one of my abusers was harassing me. In one day there were three comments on here (which I didn’t see right away because I don’t really get notified until I log in, and approve them), two messages on facebook, and one public facebook post in which my musician page was tagged, and once I removed the tag I was named. The message was charming, but untrue and gaslighting. It talked about me living in my own reality, saying that the abuse never happened, making sure to point out I’m mentally ill. We wont go into details, but like I said. it was gaslighting and abusive in a charming way. So charming in fact, that I’ve been dealing with a second wave of difficulties from friends or aquintances who were charmed by her words. I understand why she did it. I mean I did post on here about them, though I never used their names. I understand that wasn’t the kindest move for me to make, and for that I am sorry. I’m sure its difficult for them too, but I did give them opporatunity to work this out, I suggested therapy but they’ve never been willing to meet me even close to half way. The thing is though, that I had no other way of doing it, it wouldnt have been emotionally safe for me to have that conversation in person. I never would have been listened to, not given space or heard. And if they reacted in an angry and explosive way (which they did this way too) I wasnt strong enough to handle it alone. I needed help to see that I, in fact, deserved better. That the things I went through were not okay, I needed help to wrestle my brain out of the gaslit (is that a word?) place it was in. I had no frame of reference to see that the things I grew up with, and dealt with and the way I was treated weren’t normal nor were they okay.

I understand why she did it, though her words weren’t true and didn’t come from a kind place. I understand she wants to protect my mother, and stand up for her. They are close, they love each other a lot, and seem to understand each other. I’m glad for that.

I have never wanted to paint them out to be awful people, they are people who went through awful things and I can’t imagine the pain they must be holding onto, or pushing down. They are not evil, they are not bad, they went through shit things and haven’t been able to face them.

When she posted those things I felt unsafe, it very much seemed like she was amping up to do something and she can be fiery, esp when high. I had to tell my bosses, and I definitely felt unsafe leaving my apartment and going into public for a while

They are saying that I’m doing all of this because I am ‘mentally ill’, that I am living in my own reality, and making this all up. Even if I have mental illness, depression, post-trauma/abuse difficulties that does not mean my story is made up. Let me repeat that, my mental illness does not invalidate my truth. Period. I want to shout this from the rooftops, because its a concept that is stigmatized a lot. When I was in therapy in highschool, and spoke of the stuff happening at home, I was met with ‘you must be overeggagerating because you have Depression and Social Anxiety’ or because I was a teenager, or because I’m sensitive, or because I’m dramatic. Do you hear how ridiculous this sounds? Me being emotionally ill is a RESULT of my story, proof of it even, not invalidating. And, I might add, I have been actively, painfully healing, facing my story and my trauma head on for 10 years now.

It comes in layers, one after another each a little bit deeper to the core than the next. Sometimes it frustrates me that I have been working on healing so long and keep finding more and more layers. Sometimes I want to give up, and sometimes I dont think I have the strength to keep doing it. But I do, I try to keep facing it head on. My mood fluctuates a lot, and thats just kind of how I function, I’ve always been like this. I am sensitive, I feel so deeply, and I have been working at not suppressing my emotions, so when sadness comes up, I let it come up. Sometimes its a couple hours, sometimes a couple minutes, sometimes it plays this stupid pop up guessing game that drives me nuts. Just because I am sad sometimes, doesn’t mean I’m not doing well, or functioning well. And just because I’m happy at times, doesn’t mean I’m doing well. Its a confusing roller coaster that I am just holding on and learning to ride, navigate and heal.

Okay, I think thats all, I mean thats a lot. That does kindof sum up my absence. I didn’t post for a while because I didn’t feel safe, I still don’t in some ways. I felt scared, for my safety, scared because I know there are untrue, unkind things being said about me, and I was feeling a lot.

How have you all been doing?

Lots of love

B.